


Hopes and Fears of All the Years

by GinnyK



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 03:25:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 32,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15110819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: Josh and Donna deal with Josh's PTSD





	1. Hopes and Fears of All the Years

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

Josh sat in his office on the last night of Hanukkah.  He was sitting in his chair, his chin resting on his arms that were folded on top of the desk. The office was dark except for the flickering of the flames from the blue and white candles on the menorah in front of him.  The tongues of red and orange had almost put him into a trance as he sat there staring at them. 

It was a little after 9; he'd sent Donna home about half an hour earlier.  She tried to get him to leave too but he had wanted to stay until the candles burned out.  Donna was reluctant to leave him alone. She didn't like what she saw in his eyes, he was distant and sad.  But she also knew that some days it was just better to leave a brooding Josh Lyman alone.  He promised to call her when he got home.  And he knew he had about another hour before she started calling his house to see if he was home yet.  Part of him wanted to be annoyed at her "mother-hen" tendencies but a bigger part of him found those tendencies endearing and he was thankful for them. 

As the candles guttered out one by one the room got darker as did his mood.  With the ending of Hanukkah the West Wing and the rest of the White House would be thrown head first into the Christmas season.  In years past Josh had liked when Hanukkah fell early, there was a break in between the two holidays.  This year he just wished they ran one into the next, getting the Christmas season over with quickly. 

It wasn't that he had a problem with Christmas, not really.  It wasn't his holiday but he usually got caught up in the festivities.  It was kind of hard not to when Donna decorated her cubicle and his office with twinkling lights and mistletoe.  Her holiday cookies were something to look forward to, as were the gifts that arrived almost daily in December.  They came from members of Congress; people who liked him sent things of their own accord.  People who pissed him off during the year gave really nice gifts but he knew their assistants sent them.  As was the case with the gift baskets that arrived on the desks of his enemies. 

The main problem was the past two Christmas seasons were nothing he really wanted to remember and he just wanted the whole holiday season to end quickly.  Two years ago he'd put his hand through a window in an effort to stop the pain of Rosslyn.  Last year he'd been so caught up in the depositions that he'd effectively blocked out all the celebrating until they rejoiced Christmas Eve because Gibson never got to ask his questions. 

So now he was faced with 10 days from the time Hanukkah ended until Christmas arrived.  The White House decorators had been busy, readying the nation's most famous home for the upcoming holiday.  Fortunately the music in the lobby wasn't going to be repeated this year, at least not on the scale of that Christmas two years ago.  There would be music sometimes but it wouldn't be the all-out assault that had slowly caused him to lose control. 

As the last candle burned out, sending the room into complete darkness Josh just stared at nothing in particular until tears slowly rolled down his cheeks.  He wiped them with the back of his hand before turning on the desk lamp.  Before he stood he took the yarmulke off his head and turned it over in his hands admiring the embroidery around the edge.  Being nearly 30 years old it was worn and threadbare in places.  Josh could remember with vivid clarity opening the small box that held it the day of his Bar Mitzvah.  His mother had spent long hours carefully stitching the designs on it before giving it to him.  He put it gently in the velvet bag he'd kept it in since the day he turned 13.  He thought about the nearly identical one that was in an old wooden box in the back of his closet at home, along with pictures, newspaper clippings and other assorted mementos of his father.  But there was no time for trips down memory lane, Donna would call him soon, to make sure he was home. 

Josh put the velvet bag in the outside pocket of his backpack, making a mental note to take it out when he got home and put it away.  The yarmulke wasn't something he took out frequently, only a few times a year and usually at someone else's insistence. In the early fall it was at Toby's insistence.  He'd get Josh to go to temple with him, despite Josh's weak protests. This time of year he usually took it out at Donna's insistence.  It was Donna who usually remembered to get out the silver menorah, polish it a little and pick up a box of candles.  The gesture brought him to tears more than once.  This year he got up the nerve to ask why it was so important to her that he celebrate properly.  Her answer had been simple, she said, "The holidays and the meaning behind them make up who you are, your history.  I see you struggling this time of year and want the happy childhood memories of Hanukkah to be with you, to cheer you up."  He correctly suspected that Donna had been talking to his mother.  The thought of that conversation made him sad; the two people he loved most in the world trying to think of a way to save him from himself, trying to cheer him up, if only for 8 short days. 

A pile of presents sat on the corner of his computer desk, 16 gifts from his Mom and Donna. They ranged from the humorous, a Star Trek pin from Donna, to the practical, shoes from his mom, to the sentimental, a small black and white photo of Josh and Joanie taken during Josh's first Hanukkah.  He'd walked to work that morning so carrying them all home was out of the question.  Quickly fingering them all Josh took a mental inventory of the expressions of love before turning out the lamp.  

Over the previous hours Josh had heard vague mumblings and grumblings about the snow but hadn't really been paying attention.  As he opened the door and stepped out of the White House he was hit in the face with the driving snow.  A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he turned up the collar of his overcoat and ducked his head slightly to walk into the wind.  A few blocks later he turned, not towards his own place, but to a place where he knew he'd find comfort.  A place where he knew someone would be expecting him. 

****  



	2. Hopes and Fears of All the Years

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

Donna was taking a tray of peanut butter cookies out of the oven a few minutes before 10:00 when the doorbell rang.  She took a quick glance through the peephole even though she knew who it was. 

She opened the door and there stood Josh before her, looking utterly miserable, frozen and most of all lost.  Wordlessly she took him by the hand and pulled him into her apartment.  His backpack hit the floor with a thud and Donna helped him out of his overcoat and suit jacket.  He toed off his shoes and then did a little dance as he stepped in the wet, melting snow.  Donna laughed a little as she reached out to steady him.  He all but fell into her arms.  She ignored the cold that shot through her body as she held him.  She rubbed his back trying to warm him up but he shivered uncontrollably. 

"Josh," she said softly, trying to get his attention without startling him out of the daze he seemed to be in.  "Josh, can you hear me?" 

Josh pulled away slowly and looked at her, his gaze slowly focusing on her face as he took a couple of deep breaths. 

"You're freezing, go take a hot bath.  The bubbles are already out on the sink," she said as she took him by the shoulders and steered him down the hall.  

Josh spoke for the first time since coming in the door, "The bubbles are waiting for me?  You knew I'd come," he said quietly, not sure if it was a question or a statement. 

Donna just nodded, almost shyly. 

"Thank you," he whispered with a smile that didn't quite reveal his dimples.  He went into the bathroom, leaving the door open just a crack, a wordless invitation for Donna to come keep him company in a few minutes. 

Donna stood in the hallway until she heard Josh turn on the taps and then she turned back to return to the kitchen.  She scraped the cookies off the pan and loaded the pans and bowls into the dishwasher.  She stood on the stool and hunted through the cabinet over the refrigerator until she found the bottle of brandy she was looking for.  She poured an inch or so into a small juice glass for Josh before going to her room to pull out something for him to put on after he got out of the bath.  From the bottom drawer of her dresser she grabbed a pair of his sweatpants, a long sleeved Yale t-shirt and a pair of plaid boxers.  She found a pair of his socks in the clean laundry basket as she heard the water turn off in the bathroom. 

"Safe to come in?" she asked as she knocked lightly on the door. 

Josh took a look at the bubbles and was satisfied that everything was covered.  "Yeah, come on in," he answered. 

Donna put the clothes on the counter and handed him the brandy,  "Here drink a little of this," she said as she sat down on the floor with her back against the vanity, knees bent, feet braced against the side of the old fashioned tub, the only thing about her apartment Donna would miss if she moved. 

"Thanks," said Josh as he took the drink and brought it to his lips with a hand that was still shaking slightly.  He took a few sips; letting the brandy warm him up from the inside out as the hot water slowly warmed him from the outside in.  Donna took the glass from him and he sank further down into the water until the bubbles came up to his chin. 

"You ok?" asked Donna, having held in her question as long as she possibly could. 

Josh looked at her and thought about his answer for a seconds.  "Would you believe me if I said I don't really know?" he whispered. 

Donna nodded.  "I believe you," she whispered as she pulled herself up onto her knees.  She knelt next to the tub and reached out to run her fingers through Josh's hair for a minute.  He put his head back against the tub, really relaxing for the first time in days.  "You hungry?" she asked a few minutes later. 

Josh shrugged his shoulders. 

"OK, let's try that again," she said with a grin, "Did you eat dinner?" she asked, surprised that she couldn't remember if he'd eaten or not. 

"No, I didn't eat dinner." he admitted, not looking her in the eye. 

"OK, how about you stay here for a little while longer, I'll heat up some soup and then we can watch a movie or something while we eat?" 

"Sounds nice," he said with a sigh. 

Donna smiled at him before leaning over to kiss the top of his head.  "Take your time; your clothes are on the counter." 

Fifteen minutes later Josh emerged from the bathroom looking marginally better.  He put the brandy glass in the sink and poured the tea while Donna ladled out some soup.  She carried it to the table while Josh rummaged in the cabinet for some crackers.  They ate in relative silence, Josh not in the mood for a heavy discussion and Donna not in the mood to force him to open up.  At midnight the show they had been watching ended and Josh got up to clear the remnants of their snack from the coffee table.  He waved Donna back down when she tried to help so she took the opportunity to glance at a magazine she'd received earlier in the week. 

While Donna read Josh cleaned up and began to pace around the living room, eventually ending up looking out the window at the snow.  "How do you do it, how do you know?" he whispered. 

Donna dropped the magazine and got up to go over to him.  "How do I know what?" she asked as she reached to rub his back. 

"How do you know what I need and when I need it?  I haven't a clue what I need most of the time," admitted Josh. 

"I don't know, it's just a gift I guess," she said with a smile. 

"You sure it's not a curse?" he asked, giving her the first true smile since he'd arrived. 

"Sometimes I do wonder," chuckled Donna. 

Josh laughed a minute and then became silent again.  He pressed his right hand against the window as he looked out at the snow.  His body language told Donna he was on the verge of opening up so she wisely kept quiet while she wanted for him to get his thoughts together. 

"You think Leo would give me some vacation time over the next few weeks?" he asked out of the blue. 

"I don't know, you've got a lot to do for the inauguration.  Why, you have some grand vacation plans?" 

"More like the urge to run away, I'm afraid," he admitted. 

Donna took a couple of deep breaths and chose her words carefully.  "There's no denying you need and deserve a vacation Josh.  But even if you try as hard as you can, you can't run away from the Christmas season." 

"I know, it's just that I don't think I'm handling things all that well right now and it's only going to get worse." 

"You need me to make an appointment for you?" 

"I already did, 3 o'clock on Monday." 

"Good," said Donna, glad that he's come to the conclusion that he needed to see his therapist on his own, without any prodding from her. 

Josh moved his hand from the window, leaving behind a foggy handprint.  He went back to the couch and sat with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting on his clasped hands.  Donna sat down in front of him on the coffee table. 

"Can I ask you something?" she asked. 

Josh nodded for her to continue. 

"Have you had an episode recently?" 

Josh snorted, "Do you really think I could have one without you knowing about it?" 

"Not really." muttered Donna as she reached to brush back a stray curl off his face. 

"No, I haven't had a full blown one since Amy hit me in the head with that water balloon.  About 9 months ago I guess." 

Donna saw him cringe at the memory of the episode, or was it the memory of Amy, she didn't really know, or care. 

Josh stared at his right palm, tracing the faint scar with his finger.  It wasn't noticeable unless you were looking for it; it just looked like a crease on his palm.  "I've had a couple little panic attacks, nothing I couldn't handle quickly," he admitted.  Donna gently took his hand in hers and traced the scar too.  They'd never really discussed the fact that Josh had put his hand through a window.  It was just one of those things that was too painful.  "Do you know what Stanley asked me that day?" said Josh quietly. 

Donna shook her head. 

"He asked me if I thought I was suicidal.  I told him I didn't think that.  And he bought that answer.  It was true I suppose, I didn't think that, I....." he stopped short and looked Donna in the eye.  "I didn't think that, I knew that." 

And with that sentence he confirmed what Donna had suspected for almost 2 years.  She scooted to the couch and took him into her arms.  He hung on for dear life, shaking violently but he never cried, never made a sound. Eventually he stopped shaking and loosened his grip on Donna; he collapsed against the back of the couch, staring down at his right hand. 

"I never said that aloud before," he whispered. 

"I kind of figured that," said Donna as she reached behind her and pulled the afghan of the back of the couch and throwing it over both of them.  She waited a few minutes to see if Josh had anything more to add.  Finally she asked the next tough question, "Was that the only time you felt that way?" 

"Yes, I swear it on my...." he answered, trailing off.  "I swear it was the one and only time," he said sounding more sure of himself than he had in days.  Donna nodded her acceptance of his answer.  


	3. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 3

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

Josh curled up next to her with his head on her shoulder.  He flicked the television back on, turning to CNN out of habit more than a desire to watch the news.  He fidgeted for a few minutes while catching the late news. 

"Back bothering you?" asked Donna as he shifted position once again.  "You want the heating pad?" 

"My back is fine, my leg is fine, my hip is fine and my head is fine," said Josh, his voice edged with annoyance. 

"Ok, then," said Donna, annoyance also creeping into her voice.  "Look, it's late, how about I get the pillow and the blanket and you get some sleep?" she said, trying to keep an even tone. 

"Not tired," muttered Josh as he started to flick through the channels. 

Donna put her hand over his and turned off the television.  "Nightmares been bad lately?" 

"No, not at all," replied Josh, a little too quickly, causing Donna to rethink the question. 

"No nightmares, that's great.  Have you been sleeping?" 

Josh just glared at her, "Look at me, do I look like I've been sleeping?" he sneered.  Donna looked at his face.  She knew the answer to his question; she could see it in the dark shadows under his eyes, in his vacant look.  She just shook her head. 

"Have you..." 

Josh cut her off before she could go any further, "No, I haven't been taking the sleeping pills. I don't like to take them.  They knock me out for 8 hours," whined Josh. 

Donna tried not to laugh as she thought to herself that was the whole point of the sleeping pills.  She did a pretty good job, only cracking half a smile. 

"Can I turn the TV back on?" he asked, much like a child. 

"Sure, you want me to leave you alone?" 

His only answer was a shrug of his shoulders. 

Donna sighed and decided to stay up with him for a while longer. She put a pillow in her lap.  Taking her wordless invitation Josh curled up and turned on ESPN.  A few minutes later he whispered against Donna's thigh, "I need you to do something for me." he said in a completely sweet voice.  His moods were changing at a dizzying pace, much to Donna's frustration. 

"What?" 

"I want you to promise me that you'll keep an eye on me for the next few weeks.  I know you do that all the time and I love you for it.  But I mean really keep an eye on me.  I just feel like....I don't feel I can trust myself to know when I'm heading for trouble." 

"Josh," said Donna cutting him off my putting a finger to his lips, "I can do that, it's not a problem but if that's the case you need to promise me something." 

"What?" he asked, turning onto his back to look at Donna. 

"You need to tell your doctor what you just told me, about not trusting yourself to know when you're in trouble." 

"If I tell him that, along with everything else that's going on, he's going to recommend that I take something," said Josh as he crossed his arms over his chest and starting at the ceiling. 

"Josh, the whole point of therapy is to talk about anything and everything," said Donna gently. 

"I know, but I don't want to take anything," he said forcefully as he turned his head away. 

Donna hooked a finger under his chin and turned his head so he had no choice but to look her in the eye.  "Josh, we've had this discussion before, many, many times.  There is nothing wrong about taking something.  There are some wonderful drugs out there that can help you." 

"And when did you get your medical degree?" asked Josh, harshly. 

Donna was taken back by the tone in his voice since he'd been eerily calm since he showed up on her doorstep.  It took her a minute to respond and in the meantime Josh had sat up and moved to the corner of the couch, knowing he had crossed a line. 

"I don't have a medical degree, in fact I don't have any degree.  But what I do have is concern for you and your well being.  And having that I've done some research each time this subject comes up.  So sue me for caring," she said as she abruptly stood up to leave the room. 

Her anger took both of them by surprise.  She headed for the bathroom and Josh just sat there silently on the couch.  Donna got changed and brushed her teeth, all the while listening for Josh.  She peeked her head into the living before going to her bedroom.  Josh was still on the couch.  He was stretched out, staring at the ceiling.  Part of her wanted to just take him into her arms and tell him everything would be fine.  But she couldn't; that was a promise she couldn't make.  So as hard as it was for her, she turned to go to bed. 

"Wake me if you need me," she said over her shoulder as she closed the bedroom door.  There was no response, no indication that Josh even heard her. 


	4. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 4

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

Donna tossed and turned for a while, finally falling asleep around 1:30.  At 3 Josh was still wide awake, still on the couch, still staring at the ceiling.  The apartment was quiet, too quiet.  He wasn't used to it.  At his place the clock on the shelf ticked loudly, the fridge hummed louder and the plumbing groaned every once in a while.  The room was dark except for the faint glow of the street lights and the bands of light that went across the ceiling with every car driving down the street. 

Josh was uncomfortable in just about every way.  His whole tirade to Donna about his back, leg, hip and head feeling fine was a lie.  Everything ached.  He was cold, despite the afghan he'd pulled up to his chin.  He knew where the spare blankets were but he lacked the energy to get off the couch and pull one out of the closet.  His eyes were dry and itchy from staring at the ceiling.  The soup wasn't sitting too well on his stomach.  

In general he was a mess.  And things only seemed to be getting worse. 

In the past 10 or 15 minutes he'd felt his heart beat get a little faster, his breathing get a little out of a control and a cold sweat break out on his forehead.  The panic was creeping up on him.  It'd happened a few times over the last couple of months.  He could usually push it back by throwing himself into his work or distracting himself with a walk around the bullpen.  Neither of which was an option at the moment.  There wasn't any work in his backpack and he knew that if he started pacing around the apartment he'd wake Donna up in about 5 minutes.  Not that he didn't want her company, he just didn't want to admit he needed it. 

And so he stayed on the couch trying to distract himself by reciting the Senators alphabetically by state and then alphabetically by last name, anything to keep his mind occupied and the demons at bay.  He tried to concentrate on deep breathing and willing his heartbeat to slow down.  He closed his eyes, trying to block out the lights from the cars that were streaming across the ceiling and down the far wall.  With his eyes closed he was given a reprieve from the moving lights that were adding to the sick feeling in his stomach.  Unfortunately, with his eyes closed his mind decided to bombard him with images of years past, Rosslyn, shattering glass and a raging fire. 

His eyes snapped open again as he felt the bile rise in his throat, letting him know he had no choice but to get off the couch.  Josh managed to stumble to the bathroom in time without tripping over anything or knocking things over. 

Donna's eyes flew open the second Josh closed the bathroom door behind him.  Figuring he was just using the bathroom she pulled the comforter back up and rolled over to go back to sleep.  The unmistakable sound of him getting sick had her out of bed in a heartbeat and at the door in a second. 

"Josh, I'm coming in," she said, not waiting for permission since she hadn't asked for it in the first place. 

With the heaves wracking his body Josh really wasn't in any shape to answer any questions at that moment anyway.  Donna slipped in the room and knelt behind him, rubbing his back. 

"Shh, it's ok.  I'm here," she whispered as she wrapped one arm around him, holding it against his stomach.  "Josh, don't fight it," she said, knowing that ever since he was shot he would fight the urge to get sick because subconsciously he had this fear that the scar on his chest would open up.  He knew it was a highly unlikely scenario but that knowledge didn't do anything to help his current situation.  Donna snaked her hand under his t-shirt and moved it up to rest over the scar on his chest.  "Josh, breathe," she coached as she was beginning to worry about him hyperventilating. 

Ten minutes later Josh was able to calm down enough to lift his head and sit back.  

"Here, wipe your face," said Donna as she handed him a cool, damp cloth.  "Let me see if I have any ginger ale.  You going to be ok for a minute?" 

Josh just nodded, not ready to talk yet.  He wiped his face, rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth with his toothbrush he found in the medicine cabinet.  He was just stepping out of the bathroom when Donna came down the hall.  She took him by the hand without a word and led him to her room.  Without hesitation he sat down on the side of the bed.  Donna stood in front of him and handed him a can of ginger ale.  "Here, try and get some of this down. 

"Thanks," he whispered as he took it with a shaky hand.  He got a couple of sips down before he had to stop.  Donna took the can from him and put it on the night table.  She walked around the other side of the bed, propped the pillows up at the head of the bed and climbed in.  Taking Josh by the shoulders she settled him back against her chest, her chin resting on his unruly curls.  He pulled the comforter around both of them and settled with a sigh. 

"So, my soup that bad?" asked Donna before kissing the top of his head. 

Josh laughed a little and shook his head. 

"Why didn't you wake me?" she asked, even though deep down she already knew the answer. 

"I didn't want to feel helpless; I wanted to work through it on my own." 

"Panic attack?" 

"Yeah.  I don't want to have to depend on you.  Nothing personal, I don't want to have to depend on anyone." 

"I know.  Can I ask you something?" 

"Sure." 

"What's it feel like?" 

"It's weird.  I could feel it coming on.  I was trying to sleep but every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was...." he stopped short, not wanting to say what he saw. 

"It's ok," whispered Donna as she brushed back his hair.  "You don't have to tell me what you saw." 

"My heart started pounding and I couldn't catch my breath.  Usually I can work through it, distract myself.  A change of scenery sometimes helps but I didn't want to wake you by wandering around the apartment. And eventually I needed to make a dash for the bathroom, which woke you up anyway.  And here we are." 

"And here we are," repeated Donna as she held him just a little tighter.  "How do you feel now?" 

"Sore.  The whole thing where I told you I felt fine, that was pretty much a lie." 

"Kind of figured.  Everything hurts?" 

"More or less." 

"You want to try and take something?  I have Advil, Tylenol, Midol, Tylenol PM..." 

Josh chuckled until his chest hurt, "Stop making me laugh, I'm in pain," he whined.  "Tylenol PM sounds like it's worth a shot." 

"It's in the drawer," said Donna as she gestured towards the night table. 

Josh managed to grab the bottle but was clearly in no condition to wrestle with the child proof cap.  Donna took the bottle, opened it and shook two into his hand.  Josh washed them down with some of the soda and leaned over to turn out the light.  The feeling of Donna's arms wrapped safely around him let him start to slowly relax.  He was just about asleep when something startled him.  He had no idea what it was.  Donna reflexively tighten her arms around him even though she was half asleep. 

"You ok?" she muttered sleepily. 

"Yeah, go back to sleep," he muttered as he rolled off of Donna and settled onto the pillow next to her. 

Josh finally dozed off for good a little before 5; wrapped in Donna's embrace he felt safe enough to give into the need for sleep. 


	5. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 5

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

When Donna woke a little after 7 she was glad to find Josh still sound asleep.  Apparently he had rolled over in his sleep and was currently curled up with his head against her chest, one arm thrown over her waist.  As if it was the most natural thing to do she kissed his forehead and rubbed his back for a minute.  Josh eventually rolled away from her, back to his pillow.  It gave Donna a chance to get a good look at him.  As expected she wasn't too happy with what she saw.  He was pale and thin with dark circles under his eyes.  Worry lines seemed to be permanently etched on his forehead. 

She knew he was in need of about another 12 hours sleep so she left him while she got up.  With the coffee started and the newspaper on the coffee table Donna started that Saturday morning the same way as she started most every other morning, with the front page of the Post, the headlines on CNN and a cup of coffee. 

A little after 8 her phone rang and she jumped to get it before it woke Josh.  It was Leo.  He couldn't reach Josh at home or on his cell, which Donna found on the coffee table, the battery dead.  They talked for a while, each sharing their concerns about Josh and whether or not they thought he was going to make it through the holidays in one piece.  They agreed to hang back and just see how he coped without jumping in and rearranging things, farming out assignments etc.  The basic idea being that the busier Josh was the less likely he would be to find time to brood.  Leo told her to keep Josh away from the office for the rest of the weekend and that they would get together and talk about some more things on Monday. 

Donna finished the newspaper, took a shower, started a load of laundry and made a shopping list for the food store while Josh continued to sleep.  A little before noon she checked on him for the fourth or fifth time.  The sun was streaming in the windows so Josh was curled up facing the wall but she was pretty sure he was awake. 

"Josh, you awake?" 

"No," he said with a laugh. 

Donna returned the laugh and came into the room.  She crawled into bed next to him, spooning him from behind.  They both sighed contentedly as if curling up with each other was something they did every day. Sure, it was something they thought about most days but it was rare that it happened.  

"Feel any better?" Donna asked as she propped her head up on her hand and leaned forward a little to kiss his cheek. 

"I think so, physically at least.  Not sure about emotionally," he replied honestly.  "What time is it?" 

"About noon.  You gonna get up or do you plan on spending all day lounging in my bed?" she asked with a smirk as Josh rolled over to face her. 

"Is that an offer?" he asked, eyebrows raised towards his hairline. 

"Not a chance, Abner.  Get your butt out of my bed," snorted Donna as she sat up next to him and pulled the covers off of him. 

"Jeez, a few hours ago I was puking up my guts and this is how you treat me," he whined as he make a half hearted attempt to retrieve the blankets. 

"Damn right.  Go take a shower while I find some clothes for you." 

"Get up, take a shower and get dressed.  What happened to taking it easy today?" 

"Taking it easy is fine, but you could be clean with clean clothes on when you do it." 

"Yeah, whatever," muttered Josh as he crawled out of bed and headed for the bathroom, "By the way, you're fired." 

"Impervious," yelled Donna. 

After Josh showered and got dressed they had lunch.  Or rather Donna had lunch and Josh pushed his food around on his plate.  Donna chose not to make a big deal out of it.  She'd let him slide until dinner and then she'd insist he eat something. 

"I'm done.  Come on, let's get a few hours work in," muttered Josh as he dumped the rest of his food in the trash. 

"No way, no work.  I already talked to Leo.  You and I are off until Monday." 

"Donna," warned Josh in the voice she knew to mean, don't baby me. 

"Josh," she said, repeating his tone. 

"When did you bring Leo into this little drama?" Josh spit out as he forcefully pushed his chair back under the kitchen table. 

"When Leo called me this morning because he couldn't find you." 

"Then let's go to work.  What did he need?  Why didn't he call my cell?" 

"For the second time, we're not going to work. And your battery was dead," said Donna, pointing towards the counter where she had plugged his phone into the charger. 

"Whatever.  Why did he call?" 

Donna just looked at him with the look that said, get a clue.  "Ever stop to think that maybe he's worried about you?  That he was calling to see if you needed anything?" 

"Great another "mother-hen" just what I need," snorted Josh as he started to pace around Donna's kitchen.  It was pretty small so Donna was forced to decide between getting trampled by her boss or leaving the room.  Neither option was appealing so she hopped up on the counter to get out of his way but still have the ability to get in Josh's face. 

"Well, if you call making sure you and the windows in your apartment survive the next month intact being a mother hen, then I guess that's what we are," yelled Donna. 

Josh stopped dead in his tracks to look at her; sure he would find a look of remorse on her face for that comment.  A chill ran up and down his spine when he realized the look on her face was nothing near remorseful.  It was a look that said, bring it on.  She knew Josh was looking for a fight.  And if it was a fight he wanted, she was ready. Given his current emotional state she wasn't sure if it was a particularly good idea to fight with him but she just felt some things inside of Josh needed to be vocalized.  From experience she knew that sometimes the only way to get Josh to open up was to back him into a corner and make him fight. 

"Cheap shot, Donnatella," he said, glaring at her. 

Donna refused to back down and just shrugged her shoulders. It soon became clear to Josh that she wasn't about to apologize.  He went back to his pacing, the anger boiling up inside him. 

"So you and Leo decide what to do with me?" 

"We discussed a few things, yes," she replied, not giving more information away than she had to. 

"And should I expect my calendar to be cleared by the time I get in on Monday.  Am I going to spend the next 3 weeks sitting around doing nothing?" 

"Not at all, in fact your schedule is packed full.  You're going to be so busy and run yourself so ragged that you're going to crash each night and sleep." 

"Wouldn't count on it," he grumbled. 

"Oh, I would if I were you.  If I have to escort you home and shove a sleeping pill down your throat to get through this damn holiday season then that's what is going to happen," yelled Donna as she smacked the edge of the counter with her palms, causing Josh to flinch as he had been facing the other direction. 

"Do I get a say in this?" asked Josh, already knowing what her answer would be. 

"Not really." 

"Great.  So who else knows?" 

"Knows what?" 

Josh rolled his eyes, "Knows that I'm hanging on by a thread?" 

"I would assume most people you've come in contact with over that past few days.  Off the top of my head the people that have asked me if you're ok---Leo, The President, the First Lady, Sam, your mom, CJ, Matt Skinner and even Toby." 

"What little Mrs. King from across the hall didn't ask you how I was too?" snorted Josh. 

Donna grinned, "Actually, yeah, when I dropped your dry cleaning at you place last week she caught me in the hall." 

"That would explain the peanut butter cookies she left for me earlier in the week." muttered Josh. 

"Joshua, like it or not people are worried about you.  Live with it.  And get some sleep this weekend because you're going to need it to get through this week." she added with a fake grin. 

"I'm guessing a three week vacation is out of the question?" he asked with a wry smile. 

"Got that right, you are not running away." 

"Oh, so I get to stay here and slowly go insane, just so you and Leo can watch?" he sneered as his anger returned and he roughly ran his hands through his already wild hair.  "The two of you get some kind of satisfaction out of that?" 

Donna hopped off the counter, her own emotions reaching the breaking point.  She brushed past him on the way to the fridge to get a drink.  Not that she was all that thirsty but she knew things were rapidly getting close to spiraling out of control.  She grabbed a bottle of iced tea and shook it with more force than necessary before opening it.  Deep down she knew that exploding at Josh would not be a good idea so she tried to calm herself down.  Taking a deep breath she returned to the conversation.  "No, Leo and I do not enjoy watching you fall apart.  I can't speak for Leo but picking up the pieces of your life is not the highlight of mine.  But I do it because I care and because sometimes, if I don't do it, it won't get done.  You're right; you are having difficulty realizing when you are in trouble.  And that scares me more than anything," she said as she hopped back up on the counter. 

Josh stood about a foot away, leaning against the counter in the corner by the sink.  "And you don't think that scares me too?" 

"I never said that," Donna replied softly as she held out her hand to him.  Josh exhaled sharply before taking her hand and letting her pull him towards her.  He ended up standing in front of her, between her knees.  Donna took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her.  "What?" 

"It. Terrifies. Me." said Josh stressing each and every word.  "It's what keeps me up at night.  That's why I asked for your help." 

"I understand that and I am more than willing to help you.  But I can't do it all, that's too much to ask." 

"I know.  What happens if I fail?  You don't deserve that kind of burden.  I put enough on your shoulders as it is," he said as he moved his hands from his pockets up to rest on her shoulders. 

Donna nodded in agreement. She felt the hands on her shoulders start to shake and she took Josh by the hips and pulled him closer.  His head came down to rest on her shoulder as her arms circled his waist.  Clinging to her like a life line Josh remained silent.  No tears were shed, which was strange.  Donna wasn't sure what to make of that fact. 

Eventually Josh kissed her forehead and pulled away from her.  "I think I'm going to go home for a while.  I have some things I need to think about." 

"You sure you'll be ok by yourself?" asked Donna. 

Josh nodded.  "I'll call you later."  He grabbed his coat and backpack, leaving behind everything else, his suit, dress shoes, shirt and tie.  By doing so he pretty much assured himself that he'd see Donna later that day.  He wanted her to stop by, to drop off his things, to check up on him.  But he wasn't ready to ask her to do that.  It was time to stop asking her to help him.  There were enough responsibilities resting on her slim shoulders. 


	6. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 6

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

The walk through the snow was good for Josh.  It gave him some fresh air and a little exercise.  Knowing his own fridge was pretty empty he stopped by the store for a few things for dinner, counting on the fact that Donna was likely to join him. 

After putting away the groceries he wandered around aimlessly for a while.  He gave some serious thought to running over to the White House to grab something to work on but he was positive that Donna would find out about that and he wasn't in the mood to fight with her again.  Channeling surfing held his attention for about an hour, until he dozed off. 

As the sun was setting and the room growing dark he awoke to the simultaneous sounds of his own scream and Donna calling his name.  It took him a minute to realize that A-it was just a dream and B-that Donna had just let herself in his apartment.  Donna threw off her coat and joined him on the couch.  She pulled him tight against her and held him, rocking him gently as the floodgates opened.  Everything he'd been holding inside for days came out in huge sobs that wracked his body.  It was rare for Donna to see him that upset.  Finding some specific words of comfort were a little difficult, given the fact that she didn't exactly know what was wrong.  But then again, she was pretty sure Josh didn't know either.  So generic words and her gentle touch were going to have to be enough.  And as usual they were.  

Josh's sobs slowly turned to an occasional tear before stopping completely about fifteen minutes after Donna had arrived.  She wiped the last few tears away and got him a handful of tissues from the box on the end table. 

"Sorry," he said with a weak smile, speaking for the first time since Donna had arrived. 

"For what?" whispered Donna as she brushed back his hair. 

Josh just shrugged his shoulders.  "I don't know, falling apart in front of you." 

"It's not like it's the first time," smirked Donna, pointing out the obvious. 

"You sure know how to kick a guy when he's down," replied Josh, after sticking his tongue out at her. 

"I try.  So you wanna talk about it?" 

"If I knew what was wrong, if I could put it into words, I would talk about it.  But I don't and I can't.  Can you understand?" he asked softly as he glanced away. 

Donna put her hand against his cheek and turned his head to look him in the eye.  "Of course I understand.  And my offer to listen stands, always.  Don't forget that." 

"I won't," he said, kissing her cheek. 

The rest of the day went by without any major fighting or shedding of tears.  Josh and Donna made dinner together and actually ate at the kitchen table, without the television on, like normal people.  Josh ate well for the first time in about a week, much to Donna's surprise. 

After dinner they curled up on the couch and watched television.  Occasionally Josh would mention something that was bothering him. Donna knew he wasn't looking for a heavy discussion; he was just throwing things out, giving voice to things he'd kept inside for too long.  And so she didn't say much other than to acknowledge what he'd said and try to offer a tiny bit of understanding.  Eventually he drifted off as the news started. 

At 11:30 Donna leaned over to wake Josh and drag him off the couch and send him to bed. 

"Josh, wake up.  Come on, you can't sleep on the couch, you won't be able to move in the morning," she said as she shook his shoulder. 

He woke up enough to stumble into the bedroom without doing bodily harm.  Satisfied that he could actually get undressed by himself Donna went to get him a glass of water.  He was curled up under the quilt, only a few stray curls sticking out, when Donna got back.  She perched on the edge of the bed and ran her hand up and down his back for a minute. 

"I got you some water.  You want me to stay until you fall asleep?" 

Josh pushed the quilt down slightly, uncovering his eyes.  The look on his face told Donna that he was expecting her to stay.  The thought had crossed her mind but deep down she knew leaving was the wisest choice. She was sure that if she stayed nothing would happen, at the most she'd curl up with him, but she knew that he needed time and space to himself, even if he didn't realize it yet. 

"I need to go home," she whispered, hoping that Josh would understand without making her try to put her feelings into words. 

Josh nodded a little and took a deep breath.  He understood and actually felt the same way, even if he wasn't ready to say it aloud. 

"Call me if you need anything.  You wanna do something tomorrow?" she asked as she leaned over and turned out the light. 

"Social life so bad that you have nothing better to do than baby-sit your boss?" Josh teased. 

"My social life is fine.  I just feel like spending some time with my best friend." 

Josh could only smile before closing his eyes.  Donna stayed until he was asleep and then stayed another 20 minutes or so after that.  She sat on the edge of the bed and watched the stubborn, arrogant, perpetually moving, charming, adorable Joshua Lyman sleep all curled up like a little kid.  With surprising tears in her eyes Donna brushed back his hair and kissed his forehead.  Josh smiled a little in his sleep, showing his dimples just a bit.  Donna gave into temptation and leaned over to kiss him gently on the lips, lingering just a bit longer than she knew she should. 


	7. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 7

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

Sunday dawned clear, sunny and cold.  Donna whipped up a quick coffee cake, put it in the oven and did a quick cleaning on the apartment while it baked.  She'd talked to Josh a little after 9; he said he was up but still sounded half asleep.  Since she was already showered and dressed she offered to bring breakfast over to his place.  By 10:30 she stepped out into the brisk wind and headed to her car.  It took a while for it to warm up enough to travel more than 20 feet at a time but she eventually got to Josh's place before the coffee cake was completely cool. 

He opened the door, looking completely rumpled and utterly adorable.  With his hair standing up in all directions, flannel pajama pants, slippers and a baggy sweatshirt it was a pretty good bet he hadn't actually made it into the shower yet. 

"What, no coffee?" he smirked as he took the cake from Donna so she could take off her coat. 

"Very funny," she snickered as she could already smell the coffee he'd just made. 

They settled down on the floor by the coffee table, breakfast and the Sunday paper in front of them.  It was nice to just relax for a few hours.  They read the paper, put a large dent in the cake and polished off a pot of coffee.  Eventually Josh stood up slowly to walk off the stiffness that had settled in while sitting on the floor.  He cleared the mess from the coffee table while Donna rummaged through the drawer in the end table looking for a pen to start the crossword puzzle. 

"I'm going to go take a shower.  Why don't you decide what we're going to do for the rest of the day," said Josh from the kitchen. 

"OK, take your time," she called over her shoulder as she filled in the first answer to the puzzle. 

Fifteen minutes later Donna heard the bathroom door open and Josh head down the hall to his room. "Wear something warm," she yelled down the hall.  Josh just groaned, not too sure he was ready for whatever Donna had planned for the day.  He appeared in the living room ten minutes later wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a flannel shirt and the work boots he'd probably had since college.  In his hand was a sweater that he tossed on the back of the couch.  "Warm enough?" he asked as he held up his arms to let Donna survey his outfit. 

"Yep.  Do you have any rope?" asked Donna as she leaned over to put on her own boots she'd kicked off while they were eating. 

"Rope?  Just exactly what do you have planned for me?" teased Josh. 

"OH, get your mind out of the gutter.  We're going to buy a Christmas tree." 

"Uh Donna, in case you've forgotten, I don't celebrate Christmas." he mentioned as he went to find some rope in the utility closet. 

"Funny, but I do," she said. 

"So what's the rope for?" he asked as he tossed the coil of rope at her. 

Donna just looked at him strangely.  "To tie the tree on the car," she said, clearly wondering how even a Jewish guy from Connecticut would have trouble figuring out why she needed rope. 

"OK, it had better be a little tree because your car won't take much weight." 

"Who said anything about my car," she snorted as she grabbed his car keys off the hook by the door and headed down the stairs. 

"Do I really have to tie it to the roof?" asked Josh ten minutes later as they pulled out onto the street "Couldn't you just get a really little one and we'll toss it in the back?" 

"Joshua, in case you haven't noticed, you have an SUV.  You're supposed to use it to haul things around, not just, you know, drive around and look good in it." 

"You think I look good driving around in my car?" teased Josh. 

"I was talking about me," smirked Donna as she turned up the heat. 

Four hours later they were struggling to get the tree up the stairs to Donna's place. 

"You know, I think my people got the better end of the deal.  We just whip out a nice little menorah and we're done.  No dragging trees anywhere, no untangling lights." grunted Josh as he tried to shove the tree up the last few steps.  Donna just laughed as she had a vision of Josh as the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, trying to shove the tree up the chimney.  "You could give me a hand," he remarked dryly as Donna was still trying to stop giggling.  She was about to "give him a hand" and start applauding but she thought better of it.  Josh had been a good sport during the whole tree shopping expedition.  He didn't complain when it took Donna 2 hours and 4 different tree places to find the perfect tree.  He even helped her tie it to the roof of his car, with a minimum amount of complaining. 

When they finally got the tree in the stand Donna started to go through the boxes of ornaments while Josh ordered pizza for dinner. 

"What kind did you get?" asked Donna as Josh wandered into the living room with two bottles of beer. 

"Pepperoni," he smirked as he handed her a beer. 

"Well, I guess you deserve to pick once in a while." 

"What, no lecture about my blood pressure?" asked Josh a little surprised. 

"Nah, you have an appointment with the cardiologist coming up.  I'll let her lecture you," replied Donna as she took the beer he offered her. 

"Damn.  I forgot about that," muttered Josh as he sat on the couch and admired the tree.  Donna had put the lights on and was just about to start on the ornaments. 

Half an hour later Donna was happy with the way the tree looked.  She and Josh were side by side on the couch eating their pizza and sharing the last beer that was in the fridge. 

At 9:00 Donna sent Josh home to get some sleep.  He grumbled about how early it was to go to bed.  She glared at him and then told him to take a pill, he was going to need all the sleep he could get in order to keep up with the schedule she'd set up for him for the next week. 

After he got home Josh took a quick shower to relax and grudgingly took a sleeping pill.  He slept soundly for 7 hours, something that rarely happened. 


	8. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 8

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

As Donna had warned, Josh's day was packed full.  He worked non-stop from 7 until a little after 1 when Donna appeared in his doorway with lunch.  They ate while they worked on his note cards for his meeting on the Hill which was at 4:30.  That meant Dr. Collins needed to be running on time so Josh could get a full hour in with him and still make the meeting.  Being so busy Josh hadn't had much of a chance to brood about having to go see the therapist, which was all part of Donna's and Leo's plan. 

At 2:40 Donna poked her head in Josh's office to tell him it was time to leave.  He was sitting staring out the window, apparently having found a minute or two to brood. 

"Josh, time to go.  You have everything?" asked Donna in an even tone as she stuffed a few remaining note cards in the outside pocket of his backpack. 

"Yeah, I think so," he muttered as he held out his hand for the backpack.  He checked to make sure the paper with the things written down for Dr. Collins was in there.  It was and he zipped the pocket shut and stuffed his arms into the coat Donna was holding out for him.  He slung his backpack over his shoulder and left with a weak smile and a promise to call when he was on his way up to the Hill. 

At 4:20 Josh called to say he was running on time for the meeting and to let Donna know to expect a delivery from the pharmacy.  Josh didn't elaborate as to what was being delivered and Donna didn't push.  About half an hour later the guard called Donna to let her know Josh had a delivery.  It turned out to be two things actually, the bag from the pharmacy and basket of assorted chocolates and nuts from Senator Stackhouse.  Donna carried both back to Josh's office. She put the prescriptions on his desk and the basket on the table under the chalkboard, but not before she opened it a little and snuck out a few pieces of chocolate and a handful of mixed nuts. 

By 7:30 she was still waiting for Josh to get back and she was starving.  Quickly leaving a note for Josh she made her way down to the Mess for something to eat.  As was usually the case by that time of night, all the good stuff was pretty much gone so Donna settled for a tuna sandwich and a bowl of broccoli and cheese soup.  With the latest copy of Cosmo spread out in front of her Donna settled in to eat, read and wait for Josh. 

A few minutes before 8 Donna looked up to find Josh walking towards her.  As was her custom she tried to read his mood as he walked across the room.  It wasn't too hard to tell how he felt physically.  The slight limp was proof of his exhaustion and the lines on his forehead and the fact that he was rubbing his eyes gave away his headache.  Emotionally he was a little harder to read.  He gave her a weak smile that let her know he was in need of a friend. 

"Hey," he mumbled as he sank heavily into the chair opposite Donna. 

"Rough meeting?" she asked as she pushed the remaining half of her sandwich across the table towards him.  To her surprise he picked it up right away and started eating. 

"Not too bad, just long.  The whole day's been long.  You weren't kidding about keeping me busy were you?" he asked with a smirk. 

"Not at all.  Your stuff came from the drug store.  How did it go with Dr. Collins?" asked Donna, not bothering to beat around the bush. 

"OK, I guess.  He didn't take what I said about not being able to tell when I'm in trouble very lightly." 

"I didn't imagine he would." 

"He wants me to try Paxil.  He said to give it a month and see if it helps.  I complained that the sleeping pills knocked me out for too long so he changed to Sonata. I can take it after I've tried to sleep on my own.  I only have to have a 4 hour window until I have to get up." 

"That sounds better than what you were taking.  What else did he say?" 

"Keep busy, call him in a few days to let him know how I'm doing on the Paxil, come in next week and try to remember that you're only trying to help." he said with a grin. 

"Sounds like a very smart guy," said Donna.  "You want something more to eat?" 

"No, I'm good; we actually had stuff to eat in the meeting.  So how much work do I have to get done before I can get out of here tonight?" 

"Not much, you'll be in bed by 10:00." 

"I never thought I'd admit this, but going to bed early--that sounds nice." said Josh with a grin as he stood up. 


	9. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 9

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

For most of the week things were on an even keel. Josh seemed to be coping fairly well. He'd started taking the Paxil with breakfast each morning and he had been doing fine with it. After trying to settle down on his own he took the Sonata on Wednesday without any side effects or complaining. Donna did her best to keep him busy as well as have him home at a decent hour. Not an easy juggling act but with help from Leo they were all managing. 

Friday Josh woke up stiff and sore for no apparent reason. It was something that happened once in a while and a hot shower usually helped. It did but it also left him running a bit late. He swallowed the Paxil tablet on the way out the door, planning on grabbing something in the Mess on his way to his office. Donna met him at the door telling him he was needed in the Oval Office. He handed her his coat and backpack, took a file from her and went on his way to meet with the President. 

An hour later Charlie called to say Josh had just run out of the Oval Office with his hand over his mouth. Donna found him in the men's room. He was alone so she snuck in and locked the door behind her. Josh had just come out of the stall looking rather pale and completely mortified. 

"Sit," she said as she took him by the hand and steered him towards the counter. He sat down on the counter and leaned against the wall, the cool tile feeling rather nice against the side of his face. "Here, take a drink," she said as she handed him a cup of water. He rinsed his mouth a little and wiped his face with the damp towel Donna handed him. "Feel any better?" she asked as she tossed the towel and the cup in the trash. 

"Yeah, I think I'm ok. I didn't eat anything this morning and I took the Paxil. I'm sure that's all it was." he mumbled. 

Donna wasn't convinced. She put her hand on his forehead, he was cool, no sign of a fever. "OK, you're cool. Ready to get back to work?" 

"Yeah, let me just...." muttered Josh as he cocked his head towards the stall. 

"OK, but if you're not back in five minutes I'm coming to check on you." 

Josh laughed and muttered something about mother henning under his breath as he slid off the counter and went to use the bathroom. 

Donna went back to Josh's office. She found a can of ginger ale in his fridge and set it out on his desk before she headed to the Oval Office to pick up everything Josh had left there when he ran out. After assuring the President that Josh would be just fine she went to the Communication Bullpen to also assure Toby and Will that Josh was ok. She found the two speechwriters in Toby's office working on the President's remarks for the dinner he was attending tonight. Donna knocked lightly on the door frame. 

"Hey guys." 

"Hey Donna," answered Will, "How's Josh?" 

"He's fine. Forgot to eat with his medication this morning." 

"Good we need him to give us a hand. Send him over here when you see him," muttered Toby without really looking up from the legal pad he was writing on. 

"How about you give him twenty minutes to drink some ginger ale and relax?" sighed Donna. 

"Yeah whatever," Toby mumbled. 

Will just looked at his new boss and wondered how he could be so insensitive at times. Donna turned to leave but the sound of Toby's voice made her turn around. 

"Here, wait a second," he said as he walked to his desk and rummaged through the bottom drawer. "Give him these and tell him to take his time," he said as he handed Donna a sleeve of Saltines. Donna just stared at him for a second. "They're Andi's. She's got crackers stashed all over the district," he said with a slight grin. 

"Thanks." 

Donna found Josh standing against the wall behind his office door. Luckily she had had a hunch that's where he would be and she didn't open the door with her usual force. 

"Here, Toby sent these over," she said as she handed him the crackers. "From Andi's secret stash." 

"Thanks," he said as he pulled the sleeve open. "So is everyone making fun of me?" 

"No, not at all. They were all just a little worried. There's your stuff from the Oval Office," she said, motioning towards the files she had just tossed on his desk. "Toby and Will need your help when you're ready." 

"OK, give me a few minutes." 

"I told Toby to give you 20 minutes, you have 14 minutes left," said Donna as she glanced at her watch. 

Josh was fine the rest of the day. This led him to the conclusion that he really needed to eat something when he took his medication. He was tired by the time the day ended a little after 8 but he didn't feel the bone numbing exhaustion that usually crept up on him by the end of the week. He wasn't in the mood to be alone so he asked Donna to come over to his place to order some dinner and watch a movie. She was more than happy to take him up on his offer. 


	10. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 10

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

Saturday passed without a problem. Donna had made plans weeks earlier with her friends but she offered to cancel them to spend time with Josh. He had declined, not wanting her to put her entire life on hold just to keep him together. Sam had stepped in to volunteer to keep Josh company but more than anything Josh just wanted to spend some time alone. He cleaned his apartment in the morning, a task that was long overdue. He wandered around a couple of the Smithsonian museums in the afternoon and met Sam for a drink later that evening. Donna checked in with him around 9:00. She was happy to hear he was relaxing on the couch, already in his pajamas. They talked for a while until it was clear Josh was minutes away from nodding off. 

After hanging up the phone Josh hauled himself off the couch and down the hall to bed. He slept soundly for a few hours until a nightmare woke him a little after midnight. It had been a while since he'd had one this bad. The one he had had on the couch the week before was nothing compared to this one. When he caught his breath enough to think straight the only thing he could think of was how he wished he wasn't alone. He knew Donna rarely went to bed early, mostly due to the outrageous hours she worked, so he decided to take a chance and call her. 

"Josh, what's wrong?" asked Donna as she clicked on the phone after checking the caller ID. "Josh," she repeated when he didn't respond. 

"Never mind, it's late. I shouldn't have called," he whispered suddenly feeling guilty. 

"Josh, you didn't wake me. I swear I was still up. What happened?" she asked as she stood up to go find her shoes as she knew she'd be heading to his place in a matter of minutes. 

"It's silly, I had a nightmare. I'm fine; I'm going to go back to bed." 

"Josh, do you want me to come over?" she asked softly. 

"No...yes...I don't know," he said, silently cursing how pathetic he must sound. 

"Give me 15 minutes," said Donna, already pulling on her coat. 

"You don't have to..." 

"Josh, I'm coming over because I want to. Deal with it." 

Josh muttered his thanks and smiled to himself as he hung up the phone. He crawled out of bed and threw on his flannel bathrobe and went to the kitchen to put on the tea kettle. He got out a pair of mugs and put the basket of tea bags on the counter. He laughed to himself, not quite believing that he actually had a nice basket of tea bags in his kitchen. He wandered around the apartment until he heard Donna use her key to left herself in. He met her at the door and stood there, trying not to throw himself in her arms. She smiled warmly and kissed his cheek. 

"You ok?" 

"Yeah, you really didn't have to come over," he said as he led her to the living room. 

"Josh, please, it's not a problem, you're not imposing. Remember what Dr. Collins said, I'm only trying to help." 

"I know. It's just that...." The whistling of the tea kettle caused Josh to stop mid-sentence. "You want some tea?" 

"Sure, thanks." 

They settled down on the couch, side by side, as they had so many times in the past. Josh fidgeted while he drank his tea, trying to decide if he wanted to talk, if giving voice to his fears and nightmares was the way to go. Knowing him as well as she did, Donna could tell he was struggling. 

"Josh, you want to talk about it?" she asked as she turned sideways on the couch to face him, reaching out to pat his hand. 

He sighed, unsure of how much he should tell her. Should he reveal the horror of his nightmares to her? Would that be fair? 

"Josh, talk to me, please," she said as she took his mug from him and reached out to rub his back. "Is this about the nightmare?" 

Josh just nodded and took a deep breath. "It was about Joanie and the fire." 

Donna nodded and then motioned for him to continue, sure there was more to the nightmare. 

"Having a nightmare about Joanie isn't that uncommon. It's usually the same; she calls to me to save her and before I can I wake up in a cold sweat. This time was different. It was...there was...Joanie wasn't the only one calling to me from the fire." 

"Who?" asked Donna. 

The look on Josh's face gave her the answer. He didn't need to vocalize the fact that in his dreams he heard her voice along with the voice of his beloved sister. 

"Oh Josh," whispered Donna as she started to reach for him. He stiffened a little and backed into the corner slightly. Donna took the hint and just reached out to hold his hand instead, giving him the space he needed but the connection he wanted. 

"I couldn't save either of you. I heard you both and I couldn't do a damn thing. Just like in the real fire," he said miserably. 

"Josh, you were only 4 years old. You did what Joanie told you to do; you ran out and got help." 

"But I was too late." 

"Yes, you were. And nothing is going to change that." 

"I know. And I've some to terms with that over the years. But this nightmare was different Donna. I couldn't save you," he said, his voice cracking slightly. 

Donna opened up her arms as an invitation. An invitation Josh quietly accepted. He settled in her embrace, his head resting on her chest, arms around her waist. Within minutes Josh had fallen asleep. Donna knew she should wake him and send him in to bed but sitting there holding Josh in her arms she found her ability to comfort him, well, comforting to her. She stroked his hair and kissed his forehead, all the while ignoring the warning bells that were going off in her head. 

As she watched the clock on the VCR turn to 2 she realized she needed to get up, her leg was asleep and Josh would be miserable if he spent the night curled up as he was. She ran her fingers through his hair. "Josh, wake up a little. Come on, time for bed." 

"Hmm?" he mumbled as he sat up stiffly. 

"Go back to bed. You need anything, water, Advil?" 

"Yeah, both would be good, thanks," said Josh as he stumbled down the hall. 

When Donna got to Josh's room she knew she had a choice to make. Stay or go? And more importantly, if she stayed, where would she stay? Josh had made it pretty clear where he stood; he was curled up on the far side of the bed, waiting for her. Donna ignored the bells, handed him the water and the Advil and grabbed a pair of pajamas to change into. By the time Donna got back Josh was snoring softly. She curled up against his back, one arm wrapped around his waist. 

Their peaceful slumber was once again broken by a nightmare. Josh woke up a little before 4:30 shaking and shivering, with tears streaming down his face. Even in her sleep Donna reached out for him and took him into her arms. Josh relaxed in her arms but fought sleep like he frequently did after a nightmare. Eventually Donna opened her eyes to find Josh sitting on the bed looking out the window at the sunrise. 

"Josh," she said quietly, not wanting to startle him. 

"Yeah," 

"Did you go back to sleep?" 

He thought about lying but knew he rarely got away with it. She knew when he was lying, it was a gift, she said. More like a curse, he thought to himself. "No, I tried but I..." 

"Fought it until the sun came up?" she asked with a grin as she sat up next to him. 

"Something like that." 

"Josh, you need your rest. Why don't you lie down and try to go back to sleep? There's not much you need to do today. We can relax, hang out in our pajamas, order food. Sound good?" 

Josh nodded tiredly. He curled back up and Donna covered him up. 

"You sure we don't need to go into work?" 

"No, there are only a few things that need to be done. We can do them here. You sleep and I'll run to the office and get the files." 

"OK," he agreed with a weary sigh. 

Donna's quick trip to the West Wing ended up being longer than she had anticipated. She was stopped by Leo and the President. They wanted to know how Josh was doing. She was honest; he seemed to be doing fine but she had a nagging feeling things were starting to go downhill. It was just a feeling, she had nothing concrete to back it up other than an understanding of Josh Lyman that only one other person in the world had. 

Josh was still sleeping when she got back. He was pretty restless and had kicked the quilt off. She covered him back up and kissed his cheek. A frown came across her face as she realized he was pretty warm. Pressing her hand against his forehead caused his eyes to flutter open. 

"Hey, you ok? You're a little warm," she asked as she sat down on the edge of the bed. 

"I feel like crap," he whined as he rubbed his eyes. 

Donna handed him the water and got up to go find the thermometer. "Here," she said as she came back in the room and handed him the thermometer. "You want some juice?" Josh nodded. Donna left the room again. Josh followed her wrapped up in the quilt. He flopped on the couch. The thermometer beeped and he took it out, squinting as he tried to read the results. He gave up and handed it to Donna. 

"100.9 and I'm making you an appointment with the eye doctor," she said with a grin. 

"Please, I just saw the shrink, I have an appointment with the cardiologist tomorrow and I'm sure you'll be having me go visit the medical unit in the morning." 

"You got that right. Here take these," she said, handing him some Advil and a Paxil tablet." "What do you want to eat?" 

He thought for a minute. He wasn't really hungry but knew he had to eat something. "My throat's killing me, there any ice cream in the freezer?" 

"Yeah," said Donna as she headed for the kitchen. 

Josh took it easy for the rest of the day. He was cranky but did buckle down and get the work done that Donna had picked up from the office. In Donna's unlicensed medical opinion he had a common cold but she planned on sending him to visit the White House doctor in the morning, just to make sure. Dealing with Josh when he was an emotional wreck was enough; she didn't need him to be really sick on top of everything else. 


	11. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 11

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

By dinner time on Monday night Josh was exhausted, cranky, feverish and hungry, not a good combination for him. He had just come from the cardiologist and he was in the mood to be left alone. Donna got him something to eat and all but locked him in his office. He still had one more meeting in the Oval Office before he could even think about going home. 

The meeting went ok. Nothing great, nothing terrible. Josh had been rather quiet, something that didn't happen all that much, so it was noticeable to all the Senior Staff. Leo called Josh into his office after leaving the Oval. He just asked Josh if he was ok and if there was anything he could do to help. Josh thanked him sincerely and headed for his office. 

Donna was on the phone when he got there so he went wearily into his office and flopped in the chair with his feet on the window sill. 

"Hey, you almost ready to go?" asked Donna as she came into the office and leaned against the sill, next to Josh's feet. 

"Yeah, you leaving with me?" 

"No, I think I'm going to stay and do a few things. I'll be out of here by 10." 

"I'll stay. You shouldn't have to stay and pick up the slack cause I'm....I'm..." 

Donna put up her hand to cut him off. "I'm not picking up your slack. I have things to do. You, on the other hand my friend, are done for the night. Oh, what happened at the doctor appointments?" 

"Gee I thought maybe you would just forget to ask," he grinned. "Cardiologist was fine. Didn't change any meds. The usual, wants me to eat better and exercise more. Doctor downstairs said it's probably just a cold. Gave me a prescription for a decongestant, said to come back if I don't feel better in a day or two." 

"Well, that sounds pretty good. You want me to stop by when I'm done?" 

"No. I don't think so. I'm going to just take a shower and go to bed. I'm pretty tired." 

"OK, call me if you need me." 

Josh smiled warmly, "What did I ever do to deserve you?" 

"NO idea but it must have been pretty big," smirked Donna as she patted him on the shoulder and walked to the closet. "Don't forget you have Dr. Collins tomorrow at 11 and you have Senior Staff early tomorrow, 6:45. Want me to call you?" 

"Yeah, thanks." said Josh as he stood up and slipped on his coat that Donna was holding out for him. 

Donna watched him as he went down the hall. He was limping a little, obviously tired and she was glad he was heading home reasonably early. She got a few things done and met with Leo before heading home. They agreed Josh was doing as well as they had expected but knew they weren't out of the woods yet. Christmas was still over a week away, Josh was sick and he had a few crucial meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. 

Josh crashed when he got home. He took some Advil, the decongestant and a sleeping pill and was out cold 15 minutes after he crawled into bed. He slept restlessly and slept through the alarm at 5:00. Donna called him at 5:30 and woke him. Knowing him as she did she called again at a few minutes before 6 just to make sure he was up and moving. He was up but wasn't moving too quickly. He didn't feel well at all, his throat hurt, his ears hurt, his head hurt and he was stiff. Donna told him to get moving and she would see what she could do about rearranging some things during the day. But Senior Staff wasn't going to be rearranged for one Josh Lyman so he knew he had to suck it up and get going. 

Josh limped into his office with 10 minutes to spare. Donna handed him a mug of tea and a bagel to take with him to the meeting. She had correctly assumed he didn't eat and had taken his Paxil. She certainly didn't want a repeat of what had happened on Friday. 

An hour and a half later Josh stormed through the bullpen and slammed his office door behind him before Donna could even say a word. She was about to go check on him when Toby appeared in front of her. He told her to go talk to Leo while he tried to talk to Josh. 

The look on Margaret's face when Donna got to Leo's office was one of sympathy. She announced Donna who went in after taking a deep breath. 

"What happened?" asked Donna, not bothering with a greeting. Leo motioned for her to sit on the couch and he took a seat in one of the side chairs. 

"He, uh, went off a little," sighed Leo as he rubbed his eyes. 

"Oh God. As bad as two years ago?" asked Donna as she leaned over with her elbows on her knees. 

"Well, he didn't yell at the President. He was just very...I don't even know how to put it...at the beginning he was very defensive about everything. Didn't want to listen to anyone else's point of view. Stuff like that." 

"Then what?" asked Donna, knowing there had to be more to the story. 

"He got quiet, really quiet. Kind of moved into the corner and didn't have anything to add. That wasn't that unusual for the last few days. But even when asked a question he didn't say much. It was like he was withdrawing right before our eyes." 

"Great, now what?" 

"I think it's time to consider Plan B," said Leo. 

"Time to get him out of town for a few days?" 

"I think so. What do you think?" 

"I don't know. He's got an appointment with his therapist at 11. Josh's good about allowing Dr. Collins to talk to me. I think I want to get his opinion. Can you hold off on making a decision until then?" 

Leo nodded. They stood together and Donna turned to leave when Leo took her by the arm and gave her an unexpected but much appreciated hug. The tears Donna had been holding back started to flow. Her display of emotional was clearly more than Leo could handle and he called for Margaret. He kissed Donna on the forehead and headed to the Oval Office. Margaret came in armed with tissues and a bottle of water. 

Meanwhile in Josh's office Toby was sitting in one of the visitor's chairs engaged in a staring contest with Josh. It wasn't like Toby to get involved in personal issues but he felt a bond with Josh that had started after Josh had been shot. It was something he couldn't explain and he did his best to hide it. Just as he did to hide his true feelings for Sam. 

"OK, Josh, I have work to do and I don't have all day to sit here and stare. You going to talk or not?" 

"Not," Josh spit out bitterly. 

"Damn it Josh, you don't have the market on being depressed this time of year. Suck it up and get over it," yelled Toby as he stood up and walked towards the door. Josh just sat there, a little shocked that Toby yelled at him. Toby but his hand on the door knob and took a deep breath. He knew he couldn't leave things as they were. He turned back towards Josh who had stood up and was staring out the window. "Josh," he said softly, "You want to go get some coffee or something? Talk or whatever?" muttered Toby. 

Josh glanced at his watch. "Yeah, I have about an hour until I have an appointment. Go stake out a table in the Mess I need to talk to Donna for a minute." 

"OK, you want me to send her in?" 

"Yeah, thanks." 

Donna came in quietly, not sure what to expect. Josh had his back to her, staring out the window. She closed the door behind her and moved to stand next to him. Josh flinched when she reached to rub his back. Donna didn't back away and continued to try and comfort him. 

"You ok?" she whispered, already knowing the answer, but asking anyway. 

Josh shook his head. "I think I'm in trouble," he sighed. 

"I think you're right. Why don't you go with Toby for a little while? I'm going to work on rescheduling some things for the next few days. I'd like permission to talk to Dr. Collins, is that ok with you?" 

Josh nodded; "I'll have him call you later." sighed Josh as he took a few steps back and leaned against his desk. Donna turned around and moved to stand in front of him. She tentatively reached out to brush back his hair and feel his forehead. He was warm as she had expected. 

"Don't feel any better?" 

"No, throat still hurts and my whole head is just clogged up," he whined. 

"Yeah, sounds that way. Did you take something?" 

"Yeah," said Josh as he glanced at his watch. "I'm going to go meet Toby. I suppose we'll be sitting down with Leo later?" 

Donna nodded and gave him a sad smile. Josh grabbed his coat and his backpack before leaning to kiss Donna lightly on the cheek. "Thanks...for everything." 

Toby was waiting for Josh in a corner of the Mess, he was already on his second cup of coffee and was beginning to think Josh was going to stand him up when Josh pushed open the door and walked in. He got himself a cup of tea, knowing coffee wouldn't sit too well on his stomach. 

"Do you think I'm losing it completely?" asked Josh before he even sat down. 

The question caught Toby off guard and his first response was too laugh. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to...to laugh," he said, stumbling over his words slightly. 

"That's ok," sighed Josh as he sat down. "But seriously, what the hell am I going to do?" 

"You're asking me. I'm not exactly qualified to give that kind of advice. I mean, look at me, do I look like I'm the picture of mental health?" snorted Toby as he lifted his mug to take a drink. 

"No, not really. But with Sam gone things are different now...." 

"What about Donna, can't you talk to her?" asked Toby 

"I can and I do but I just don't want to have to depend on her so much. I feel like she spends as much time taking care of me as she does working for me." he sighed. 

"Aren't those the same things?" asked Toby, unable to resist teasing him a little, just to get him to smile. 

"Cute," grinned Josh. "So I guess I'm going to get it from Leo later." 

"Josh, he's not mad at you. And before you ask, neither is the President. Everyone is just worried about you." 

"Great, just what I need, my friends spending the holidays worrying about me." 

"Well, that's how it is, deal with it." 

Josh finished his tea and glanced at his watch. "I have to go, time to have my head examined." he said as he stood up to leave. "Thanks for the talk." 

As Toby watched him leave he knew whatever he'd said had no effect at all on Josh. He also knew he hadn't exactly done his best to talk to him. Maybe he'd try again in a day or two, he thought to himself as he finished his coffee and headed back to his office. 


	12. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 12

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

After his session with the therapist Josh took a lunch meeting on the Hill and then headed back to the White House. While he was in the meeting Dr. Collins called Donna and they talked for a long time about Josh. Dr. Collins agreed with Donna that a few days away would probably be a good idea. He didn't really have any luck helping Josh to discover the true reason he felt they way he did. And Dr. Collins was beginning to suspect that there was no "one" thing that was wrong. He also suspected that a large chunk of Josh's problems stemmed from the fact that he was simply overwhelmed, with work, trying to sort out his feelings, trying to escape the holidays and being sick certainly wasn't helping the situation. 

By the time Josh got back from the Hill a little after 2 Donna and Leo had had a long lunch together and made some plans. She was at her desk rearranging some more of Josh's appointments when he limped by on his way to his office. She saved the document she was working on and headed into his office. 

"Josh, Leo wants to see us when you're ready," said Donna as she went around his desk and sat on the corner, next to where his feet were propped up. 

"What, no coffee? Cause I think now would be a good time to bring the coffee," Josh said using the sarcasm he frequently hid behind instead of showing his true emotions. 

"Josh," Donna started, choosing her words carefully, "You're not being fired. No one is mad at you. You need to understand that. I talked to Dr. Collins earlier and then Leo and I had lunch, we came up with an idea that we think is a good idea. We want to run it by you and see what you think. We're not ganging up on you and we're not making decisions for you. Understand?" 

Josh, nodded, not trusting his voice. He pulled his feet off the desk and scooted his chair towards Donna. She had her hands folded in her lap and he covered them with his own hands. He looked in her eyes and started to speak a few times but nothing came out. Donna untangled one of her hands and ran it through his hair. She slid off the desk and stood in between Josh's knees as he leaned forward, wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head against the soft cotton of her sweater. Donna fought back her own tears, kissed the top of his head and pulled him to his feet. 

"Let's go, Leo's waiting." 

The walk to Leo's office was a silent one. Josh limped along like a man headed for the electric chair. Donna was trying to convey a confidence she didn't really feel. She knew the decision that she and Leo had come to, with the help of Dr. Collins, Dr. Bartlet and the President, was the right one. Josh was creeping closer to the edge every day. And the last thing she wanted to have happen was for him to take that final step. 

Margaret waved them in when they arrived. She squeezed Donna's hand as her friend passed by. Leo was on the phone when they stepped in the office. He waved them towards the couch. Donna took the suggestion and sat down on one end of the couch. Too full of nervous energy and way too fidgety Josh paced around the room at a dizzying pace. 

Leo got rid of the person on the other end of the phone. He took a look at Josh pacing around the room and sighed much like the father of an overactive toddler. He gave a weary nod of his head in Donna's direction. 

"Josh," said Donna as she pointed to the other end of the couch. 

Josh took the hint and sat down with a heavy sigh. "So, am I being sent to Yemen, The Yukon, Siberia?" he asked bitterly. 

"How about southern California?" asked Leo. 

"Huh?" asked Josh as he picked up his head and looked at Leo and then Donna. 

"We think maybe it's time for the Bartlet administration to put in some face time for Sam's campaign," explained Leo. 

"And you decided the person most likely to go off the deep end was the guy to send," he snorted. 

Donna rolled her eyes, unfortunately things were going about the way she had planned. Josh was well on his way to getting overly defensive. 

"Josh, that's not what we're doing," she said as she scooted over a little closer to him. 

"Josh, look, you're not doing well at the moment. I don't want to just send you out of here for a few days. Having you sit around at home brooding isn't going to help you either. So we decided maybe a trip to California would be good," said Leo as he leaned forward in his chair. "It's a legitimate trip, you'll will be working, you're not going to be getting a tan on the beach." 

"And exactly who decided this?" asked Josh without looking up at either Leo or Donna. 

"Myself, Donna, Dr. Collins, the President," 

"What, you didn't consult my mother and the First Lady?" sneered Josh. 

"I didn't tell your mother what we decided. But yes, of course I've talked to her over the past few days," said Donna. "And as for the First Lady, she just wants you to make sure your ears are clear before you fly." 

"Gee, I see you've thought of everything. Are my bags packed too, do I have to leave out the back door?" 

Leo looked at Donna and saw the pain in her eyes. He knew Josh was about to cross over a dangerous line and say something that might really hurt her. 

Leo took a deep breath, "Donna, could you excuse us for a little while?" 

Donna looked at Josh who nodded a little, letting her know it was ok. "Sure, Josh I'll be in your office when you're done." She left quickly, closing the door behind her. 

"OK, you want to be pissy, be pissy at me, don't be pissy at Donna. She's done nothing but look out for you, love you and put up with all kinds of crap from you over the past few weeks. You want to yell, yell at me." 

"What's the point to all this? Just fire me and get it over with," said Josh, a little louder than he should, being right next to the Oval Office. The sound of his raised voice caught the attention of Jed, who was more or less waiting in the Oval for the inevitable explosion in the Chief of Staff's office. Jed opened the door and stuck his head in Leo's office, Josh didn't notice him. Leo did but didn't say a word to Josh. 

"Josh, you're not being fired. We are not out to get you. We are worried about you, plain and simple," said Leo as Josh got up to walk to the window. 

"I know you're trying to help, you, Donna, him," he said motioning towards the Oval Office. "But at what point do I become a liability? At what point are you going to give up on me?" asked Josh as he leaned forward a bit and rested his head against the window. The cool glass felt good against his feverish forehead. 

Leo looked over his shoulder at Jed, who was stepping further into the room, clearly getting his own thoughts together before he said anything. "Josh," he said quietly. 

Josh's posture stiffened and he turned around, squaring his shoulders as he did. "Sir, how long have you been here?" he asked. 

"Long enough," said Jed as he took in Josh's tired, pale appearance. "Sit, you look like you're about to fall over," he said, motioning towards the chair. He settled himself on the couch while Josh took a seat in one of the chairs next to him. Leo had quietly excused himself from the room. 

"What about the press? Isn't it going to look a little strange that all of the sudden I'm in California?" 

"No, you are going out there to help Sam. That's the truth and that's all anyone needs to know. Now, finish up what you need to do today, take some stuff home for tomorrow. Your flight leaves on Thursday morning." 

"I'm banished from the White House until my flight leaves?" asked Josh, keeping his tone calm in respect to the President. 

"No, but I know you don't feel well and maybe taking a day to recover is a good idea," said Jed with a small smile. 

"Mrs. B's idea?" asked Josh. 

Jed nodded with a grin, "Something like that." 

"When do I come home?" 

"Christmas Eve, late afternoon I think," 

"Christmas Eve? You sure that's a good idea?" 

"Leo and I thought maybe you'd like to spend Christmas Day with Donna." 

"Thanks, I think I'd like that. Sir, I'm sorry for the way I've acted these past few weeks. I just... I don't know...I couldn't..." 

"Joshua," said Jed, cutting him off, "It's ok. Don't worry about it. Go, feel better, have a nice time in California." 

"Thank you sir," replied Josh as he shook the hand Jed held out to him. 


	13. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 13

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

By 7:00 that night Josh and Donna were back at his place.  Despite his protests, Donna had escorted him down to the medical unit to be checked out one more time.  The doctor diagnosed a sinus infection and put him on antibiotics.  His ears looked ok so he was leared to fly out on Thursday.  They stopped by the deli for sandwiches and were currently stretched out on the couch eating and watching television. 

"Did you bring work for yourself for tomorrow?" asked Josh. 

"Yeah, I was planning on working here with you, if that's ok," replied Donna, answering his real question. 

"Great.  Maybe we can go out to dinner or something?" he said, with a shy tone in his voice. 

By the time Donna looked up to answer him he had lower his eyes back to the sandwich in his hand. "That would be nice," she answered in the same slightly shy tone. 

The rest of the night was spent watching television and talking about nothing important.  After a long internal debate Donna decided to spend the night.  She listened to the warning bells in her head and made the decision to sleep in the guest room.  Josh was clearly not in favor of that decision but he said nothing.  Donna did allow herself to tuck him in and stay until he drifted to sleep at little after midnight.  She had a feeling he wouldn't sleep through the night.  So she left the door to the guest room open so she would hear him if he got up during the night. 

As Donna had predicted Josh didn't sleep.  She heard him up and walking around a mere hour after she'd tucked him in.  She was pretty sure he hadn't really slept at all.  Josh was in the kitchen opening and closing what sounded like all of the cabinets in the room.  Donna got out of bed and threw on Josh's robe she'd stolen from the hook on the bathroom door.  He didn't hear her get up and she was able to watch him for a minute as he rummaged around the cabinets and the fridge.  Donna was pretty sure he had no idea what he was looking for, if anything.  Josh hadn't bothered to turn on the overhead light so the room was only lit by the small light over the stove so he was basically stumbling around in the dark.  

"Josh?" she whispered, trying not to startle him. 

He jumped despite Donna's attempt to whisper. 

"You ok?" she asked from the doorway. 

He just shrugged his shoulders and opened the refrigerator for the third time in five minutes.  He pushed a few things around and closed it without taking anything out.  

"Josh, do you want something?  Are you hungry?" asked Donna as she walked all the way into the room. 

"Don't know," he whined. 

"Thirsty?" 

"Maybe," he whined. 

Great, thought Donna, he's now entered his whining phase.  She wasn't too sure she was up for a whiny Josh who clearly had no idea if he was tired, hungry, or whatever.  She knew if she was going to stay up with him she needed something so she filled the teakettle and put it on the stove.  Not bothering to ask Josh if he wanted tea she took two mugs out of the cabinet and got two tea bags out of the basket, green with lemon and ginseng for herself and chamomile for Josh. 

She sat on the counter while the water heated.  Josh paced aimlessly around the room without saying a word, his thoughts clearly miles away.  The whistling tea kettle brought him out of the daze.  He poured the boiling water while Donna got him the milk and grabbed a spoon from the dish drainer. 

"You want to go into the living room?" asked Josh, speaking in a complete sentence for the first time since Donna had come into the room. 

Donna nodded and followed him.  Josh settled himself down on one end of the couch, Donna claiming the other end for herself.  It was rare that they settled down on complete opposite ends of the couch, something that struck both of them as odd as they took their first sips of tea.  The late hour and the fact that the day had been stressful left Donna with mixed feeling about getting into a heavy conversation with Josh at almost 2 in the morning.  While she didn't want to discourage him from opening up, she wasn't going to push him.  So she sat and waited for him to either talk or fall back to sleep. 

"I've been thinking about something these last few days. Something serious," said Josh as he put down his mug and picked at a loose piece of yarn on the afghan he'd tossed over himself. 

Donna bit back a sarcastic comment about how he should be doing a lot of thinking.  Instead she nodded for him to continue.  Josh took a few deeps breaths and stretched uncomfortably.  She tugged lightly on the leg of his pajama pants to get him to pull his feet up and put them in her lap.  At first he seemed a little unsure of the contact but eventually he pulled his feet up at he took one final deep breath before talking. 

"I've been thinking about leaving?" he said as he glanced away, unable to look Donna in the eye. 

Donna swallowed hard. "Quitting?" 

Josh nodded.  "I think maybe it's for the best if I just disappeared." 

"Best for whom, for you, for the President?" asked Donna trying to hold herself together.  She knew if she let her emotions get the best of her Josh would completely fall apart.  Deep down she knew he'd probably fall apart before dawn but she was trying to hold off on that happening until they'd talked some more. 

"I'm a liability.  I'm not doing anyone any good," he said bitterly. 

"Joshua, you know that's not true.  You've had a rough couple of weeks, no one will deny that.  You're trying hard to work through things.  Give yourself some time." 

"How much time?  How much time can I honestly expect people to pick up my slack?" 

"OK, let's get some things straight.  Yes, you are having trouble, you haven't been yourself but you haven't exactly been hiding in a cave.  You're going to work; you're doing your job.  Are people picking up after you in your wake?  No, not at all.  Have you been short tempered and moody, yes?  Have you exploded in the Oval Office, no, not that I know of?  And believe me I would hear about it." she said with a slight grin. 

Josh returned the grin, to Donna's delight. 

"People are worried about you, that's true.  But that's because they care.  No one is pissed at you, I guarantee that." 

"Leo's pissed at me," he whined as he started to pull his feet away. 

Donna grabbed his left foot and kept his feet where they were as if to say, don't run away from me. 

"Leo's not pissed at you.  He doesn't want you pissed at anyone." 

"He was worried I was pissed at you," Josh admitted softly. 

"I know," said Donna as she reached to pat his knee.  "I'm not now, nor was I ever pissed at you.  At least not since this whole thing started," she teased. 

"Good to know.  So I should just forget I even thought about quitting?" 

"Yes.  Anything else you want to talk about?" 

Josh just shrugged, which was the reaction Donna expected.  "You been doing ok on the Paxil? No side effects?" 

"I'm fine as long as I eat, but I'm not sure it's working. By the way, thanks for the granola bars and peanut butter crackers you stuck in my backpack." 

"No problem.  And you need to give it more time to work, it's only been a week.  You really need to eat more, you're a little skinny," she teased as she leaned over and snuck her hand under his t-shirt and poked him in the ribs.  

"Stop, that tickles," whined Josh as he grabbed her hand and pressed it to his side.  He was very warm. That surprised Donna who couldn't believe she hadn't noticed he was running a fever.  It was then that she realized that with the exception of pulling his feet into her lap she hadn't touched him at all.  And that was just odd; they were so physical with each other.  She reached over to flick on the light on the end table so she could get a good look at him. 

Josh moaned as he shielded his eyes against the bright light.  Donna moved his hand and he squinted a little as his eyes adjusted.  "What?" he whined. 

"You look like crap," she said as she felt his forehead. 

"Good, cause that's how I feel," he whined as he reached for a tissue to blow his nose. 

"And you're burning up.  You could have said something," Donna pointed out as she grabbed the thermometer from the end table and shoved it in his mouth.  "Stay here," she ordered as she got up to get him some Advil and a glass of water. 

The thermometer beeped as Donna was coming back into the room.  Josh pulled it out and didn't even bother to try and read it himself.  He handed it to Donna and took the pills and the water from her. 

"101.5," announced Donna with a frown.  She took the water glass from him and put it on the coffee table.  "OK, it's 2 in the morning and you seem to be wide awake.  You want to take a pill?" 

That question earned her the expected shrug of Josh's shoulders, along with a sigh. 

"OK, let me try this another way.  It's 2 in the morning and I'm tired," she smirked.  "So what do you want to do?" 

His shoulders shrugged again and Donna tried to be annoyed but he looked so pathetic huddled under the afghan that she couldn't be annoyed.  His eyes were glazed over from the fever, his nose was red from blowing it every 5 minutes and he was in need of a haircut so his curls had reached a new level of unruliness. 

"Come on," said Donna as she stood up and reached to pull him to his feet.  She pushed him in the direction of his room before going into the bathroom to get him a pill, whether he liked it or not. 

As she expected Josh was curled up on the one side of the bed, leaving her plenty of room.  Weighing the sound of the warning bells against the prospect of Josh sleeping soundly if she were nearby she handed him the pill and crawled in next to him.  Donna flicked out the light and spooned behind him, wrapping her arm around his waist and pulling him towards her. 

"Thanks," Josh whispered his voice barely loud enough to be heard. 

"You're welcome.  Just relax and close your eyes.  Wake me if you need anything." 

Josh nodded slightly and closed his eyes. 


	14. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 14

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

The next morning, while Donna took a shower, Josh talked to his Mom on the phone and started to pack his clothes.  Donna came out of the bathroom wearing Josh's flannel robe and a towel wrapped around her head.  She sat down on the edge of his bed and rooted through the clothes he was packing, tossing things out, mostly dress clothes.  She got up and pulled some more casual clothes out of the closet as he wrapped up his phone call. 

"Donna, I'm going to help out Sam's campaign, could I look decent?" he whined as he pulled socks and boxers out of a drawer and tossed them on the bed. 

Donna snorted, "Since when do you care what you look like? I can guarantee Sam is not wearing a suit and tie everyday.  OK, one suit, 3 shirts and three ties, one pair of dress shoes.  And where is your bathing suit?" 

"My what?  Donna when was the last time I wore a bathing suit?" 

"No idea, but you're going to southern California, you'd better come back with a little color." 

"I'll burn." 

"Wear sunscreen." 

"Why do I get the feeling you'll be checking for tan lines when I get back?" teased Josh. 

"You wish.  Now, where are your shorts?" 

"In the box marked "shorts" in there," said Josh, pointing towards the walk in closet. 

Donna hunted through the box and found the two pairs of cargo shorts she'd picked out for Josh the previous summer.  "Here, pack these," she said, tossing the clothes at Josh.  He finished packing and Donna steered him to the couch. He took the opportunity to flick the TV to ESPN and stretch out.  

"No TV, you've got work to do.  Here, read these note cards, see if you can understand them." 

"You mean see if I can read your handwriting?" he smirked. 

"Funny boy.  Let's see who's making his own note cards soon." 

Josh turned his attention to the note cards and the various files Donna tossed at him.  He worked with minimal complaining for about 2 hours.  About 11:30, Donna came back from the kitchen where she had been making tea to find he'd tossed aside all remnants of his work and curled up under the afghan.  She put his tea on the coffee table and perched on the edge of the couch. 

"You ok?  You want to take a break?" she asked as she pressed her hand against his cheek.  "You're not running a fever. 

"Yeah, I need to take a break.  I can't concentrate, must be the medicine," muttered Josh as he flicked on the television. 

"I don't think antibiotics make you loopy," said Donna as she tried not to laugh. 

Josh motioned for Donna to sit with him.  She grabbed some files and settled down on the end of the couch.  Josh tossed the pillow in her lap and curled up, just as natural as could be. Josh flicked through the channels until it was time for CJ's noon briefing.  They watched as CJ was her normal poised self through the briefing.  The nation and for that matter the world was actually pretty quiet as Christmas approached, something that didn't normally happen.  As she was about to wrap it up she said she had a few scheduling items to go over. 

"Here it comes," muttered Josh. 

".............And one last item, starting tomorrow Deputy Chief of Staff, Josh Lyman will be spending some time in the California 47th giving our favorite Congressional candidate some support." 

A few hands shot up in the air and CJ took a question from Danny. 

"Is there some significance to the timing of Josh's trip?" asked Danny, clearly fishing for a story.  "It is only a few days away from Christmas." 

"First of all Daniel, check your calendar, it's a week before Christmas.  Not to mention, Josh doesn't celebrate Christmas.  The President feels that it is time that someone from this administration put in some face time in California.  That's all there is to it.  Any other questions?  Good, see you back here later." 

"That went well," said Donna as she brushed back Josh's unruly hair. 

"Well?  I don't think so.  Danny's on his way back to his desk to start snooping," whined Josh. 

"What exactly is he going to find?  Nothing, there is no story." 

Josh opened his mouth to say something when the phone rang.  Donna grabbed it, not caring that it was Josh's home. 

"Hello.  Hi CJ, yeah we saw it.  Here's Josh." 

Josh sat up and took the phone.  Donna took the opportunity to get up and go find something for lunch.  Ten seconds into the conversation Josh got up and started pacing so she couldn't really hear his end of the conversation.  The next time he passed by the kitchen it was clear he'd been passed on from CJ to Leo.  From what Donna could hear the conversation was laid back; Josh was chuckling a little and he was grinning when he came into the kitchen for a bottle of iced tea.  It was almost an hour later when he finally hung up.  He found Donna in his bedroom packing the heating pad and his blue pajamas. 

"What happened?  Have to talk to the entire West Wing?" she teased. 

"Pretty much.  And Mrs. Bartlet wanted a medical update too," said Josh as he put the suitcase on the chair and flopped down on the bed. 

"You hungry? I put some soup on the stove.  I could make grilled cheese.  Sound good?" asked Donna. 

"Yeah, that sounds good.  I'll give you a hand," he offered. 

"No thanks, I don't want germs in my food," she teased.  "But you can come in the kitchen and keep me company." 

They worked for a few hours after lunch, until Josh started fading around 3:00.  While he slept Donna went home to get some clothes to go out to dinner in.  They weren't going anywhere fancy but she was currently wearing sweatpants and an old sweatshirt of Josh's.  So she grabbed pair of jeans and a nice sweater.  It had begun to snow so she put on her boots before heading back to Josh's.  

He was still asleep when she got back.  Curled up on the couch he looked like a little kid whose look of innocence came out in sleep. Donna sat down on the floor next to him and brushed back his hair.  He was a little warm but he had the afghan pulled up around his ears so she wasn't too worried about a fever.  After kissing his forehead she settled down in the recliner to channel surf and to think. 

Over the past few days she'd gone through a myriad of emotions regarding Josh.  She felt sorry for him, protective of him, worried about him, and even annoyed by him at times.  The idea to have him go away for a few days was initially hers.  Leo had first suggested that she accompany him to California.  The thought was tempting to her, Christmas in California, but she decided that they both needed to some away from each other.  When Josh was needy and Donna was in "mother hen" mode certain feelings came to the surface, feelings they worked hard to keep hidden most of the time.  The past two weeks had been hard on her, trying to keep her distance while giving Josh the support he so desperately needed.  It was time for a break, even if that meant sending a still hurting, still fragile Joshua Lyman clear across the country. 

The snow continued to fall as Donna sat in the recliner, her attention flickering between the television, the sleeping man on the couch and her own thoughts. 

At five Donna got up, took a shower and got dressed.  She walked back into the living room to find Josh still sound asleep.  Leaning over the couch she nudged his shoulder, "Josh, come on, time to get up," she said as she turned on the light on the end table.  Josh moaned at the offending light and pulled the pillow out from under his head to cover his eyes.  "It's 5:30, I'm hungry, get your butt in the shower." 

"Get my butt in the shower?  What happened to---how do you feel, do you need anything?" groaned Josh in mock annoyance as he sat up slowly and stretched a little before attempting to stand. 

Donna just snorted, "Yeah, whatever," she snickered as she picked up the afghan and folded it over the back of the couch. 

Josh stood slowly and walked to the bathroom stiffly. 

"Take your time," Donna called to him when she realized how uncomfortable he looked. 

Forty-five minutes later they left the apartment in the snow.  They decided on a diner nearby so they weren't out driving in the nasty weather.  On the surface dinner was nice and relaxed but Donna sensed an underlying current of something in Josh.  She couldn't quite place it and didn't really know if she had the energy to try and figure it out. They lingered over coffee, watching the snow fall from their table by the window. After the waitress stopped by for the third time to see if they needed anything more they pulled on their coats and headed out into the snow. 


	15. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 15

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

"You want to walk for a little while?" asked Josh as he pulled his gloves on. 

"You sure you feel up to it, not too tired?" asked Donna as she reached to touch his cheek before pulling her mittens on.  He felt cool and looked better than he had in days. 

"I'm fine.  Fresh air feels nice; I've been cooped up too long." 

"You, Josh Lyman, are worried about getting fresh air?" teased Donna as they headed down the street towards a little park a few blocks away. 

"Cute." 

"You ok?" asked Donna as they crossed the street. 

"I'm fine," he muttered, not sounding exactly convincing. 

They walked silently with Donna sneaking looks at Josh every few minutes to see if she could read him, unsure if he was really as "fine" as he claimed.  She had her doubts. 

When they got to the park Donna brushed the snow off a bench and motioned for Josh to sit.  He did so reluctantly, knowing Donna wasn't going to let him sit there in silence.  He settled on the bench and took the tissue Donna offered to him.  He blew his nose and leaned back, stretching his legs out in front of him.  

"You're pretty quiet tonight, something you want to talk about?" asked Donna quietly as she reached out to caress his cheek with her mittened hand.  Josh sighed a little and leaned into her touch. 

"I don't know, I just feel so...." his voice trailed off as he glanced away. 

"So what?" asked Donna as she turned his face towards her. 

"Lost," he whispered. 

"Oh honey," she whispered, the endearment flowing naturally from her lips as she leaned forward and took him into her arms.  Without a second of hesitation Josh melted into her embrace, resting his head on her shoulder allowing the tears to flow freely.  The snow fell lightly on them as Donna gently rubbed his back and whispered to him as he let everything out.   When his wracking sobs dissolved into an occasional hiccup Donna loosened her arms and pulled away a little to kiss his cheek. 

"Feel better, getting it all out?" she asked as she rested her forehead against his.  

Josh nodded and kissed her cheek, letting his lips rest there a little longer than he probably should have.  Donna turned her head slightly and leaned in to kiss him again, throwing caution to the wind and common sense out the window. 

And there it was, their first real kiss.  A kiss that didn't come out of some celebration, some comforting or anything other than desire.  As far as kisses went it wasn't particularly passionate, no dueling tongues or groping hands.  It wasn't even that far from chaste.  But it was a step over the line from friends to something more. 

They were both pretty shocked by the whole development, giggling slightly as they pulled away.  The rested their foreheads together and just smiled for a minute. 

"Feel better?" asked Donna with a wry smile as she used her mittened hand to wipe away the few remaining tears from Josh's face. 

"Much," Josh grinned. 

"Just think, this time tomorrow you could be sitting nice and warm on the beach." 

"Yeah as opposed to now, where we're sitting freezing on some bench, in the snow, in the dark," he said with a smirk.  "Think we could head back down, my butt's frozen?" 

Donna laughed as she stood up.  She held out her hand to pull him to his feet.  And instead of just giving it a squeeze before dropping it she held it tightly, not planning on letting go anytime soon. 

They were pretty cold by the time they got back to Josh's apartment.  Josh suggested, in the interest of water conservation, and with his tongue planted firmly in his cheek, that they share the shower.  As tempting as that offer sounded to Donna she declined and went to make some tea while Josh took a quick shower to warm up. 

Forty five minutes later, with the lights off and the curtains pulled open so they could see the snow, Josh and Donna sat side by side on the couch.  They were both shy and speechless.  Not sure if talking about what had happened was the right thing to do. 

"Should we talk or.....something?" Donna muttered a little while later. 

"Or SOMETHING?" asked Josh with an expectant look on his face. 

"Uh, talk. I think we should talk." she stated a little more decisively as she back into the corner of the couch and held her arms out towards him. Josh put his tea on the coffee table and curled up against Donna.  He rested his head on her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her waist.  Both of them were quiet for a minute as the reveled in the feeling of how "right" it felt. 

"Do we have to talk?" he whined. 

"Put it this way, until we talk, there's no more kissing," she teased as she brushed back his hair. 

Josh tipped his head back a little to give her his patented puppy dog face. 

"Forget it, even the puppy dog face isn't working.  Seriously, can we talk, please?" 

Josh nodded, clearly wanting Donna to be the one who started the conversation.  She took the hint and drawing a deep breath she dove right in.  "The kiss was amazing but I'm not sure the time is right." 

"OK, first of all, if you thought THAT kiss was amazing you clearly need something to compare it to," smirked Josh. 

"I'm serious Josh," she said a little harshly. She softened her words by tightening her arms around him and holding him close.  "Now is not the right time." 

"And when would the right time be? We've been dancing around our feelings for years now.  The President has been re-elected; I really don't think our dating would cause a scandal.  Maybe we could talk to Leo about getting you reassigned, like just to the other side of the bullpen." said Josh as he picked at a loose thread on his pajama pants. 

"It's not about that.  It's not about how things would look," sighed Donna. 

"Then what?" asked Josh.  Donna just looked at him with a sad little smile.  And it became all too clear to Josh what she was thinking about.  "Me, it's about me.  You don't want me, you don't want a relationship," he said miserably as he came to the wrong conclusion. 

"No Josh, no, that's not it.  I do want you and I want a relationship.  I just don't know if you should be making a decision like this right now." 

"Why, just because I'm a little unbalanced, medicated and not very stable at the moment," he snorted bitterly as he tried to escape her embrace. 

Donna tightened her hold on him, not planning on letting him go any time in the near future. "Well, I wouldn't have put it quite that harshly but the idea is the same.  And you know if you asked Dr. Collins what he thinks, he'd say the same thing." 

"He already did," said Josh with a little smile. 

Donna laughed and kissed his forehead. 

"Hey, what happened to the no kissing rule?" 

"We talked, we can kiss now," she said as she scooted herself and Josh down on the couch so they were stretched out on their sides facing each other. 

The second kiss flew right over the line and left them breathless.  "That, my dear Donnatella was truly amazing," murmured Josh when he'd caught his breath.  Donna nodded in agreement and snuggled up next to him.  They were quiet as they looked out the window and watched the snow. 

"Come with me," said Josh suddenly. 

She took a deep breath. It certainly wasn't that she wasn't tempted by the offer, 5 days in California with Josh sounded almost as good as 5 days in Hawaii with Josh.  But the need to put some distance between them hadn't disappeared with a few kisses on a snowy night. 

"I can't." 

"Can't or won't.  Because I'm sure you can.  Leo would make sure you could get some time off." said Josh as he strained against her embrace.  Donna reluctantly let him go.  He got up and started to pace, his normal behavior when he was frustrated.  True to form the running his fingers through his already unruly hair was the next thing to start. 

"I'm sure I could get some time off," admitted Donna as she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.  "But that's not it.  Can I try to explain?" 

Josh stopped his pacing and nodded his approval. 

"Can you sit please?" pleaded Donna. 

Josh settled down in the recliner, arms crossed over his chest, looking anywhere but at Donna.  The significance of him settling himself down on the piece of furniture farthest away from where Donna was sitting was not lost on her. 

"OK, these past few weeks have been rough, for you, for me, for us.  When you're having trouble that sends me into what you like to refer to as "mother hen mode".  And I admit it, that's what I do when you're in trouble, I take care of you.  And I don't think that's wrong, I don't think it's bad.  But when I take care of you certain feelings come out.  Feelings I've spent years pushing out of my mind. And so I just think we need a few days apart.  I am not sending you away to punish you or anything like that.  We need some time and space to think about what we want." 

"I know what I want," said Josh, cutting her off. 

"So do I.  And no, I don't think a few days apart are going to change my feelings for you.  Nor do I think time away will change your feelings.  But even though we've been dancing around this thing we have for 5 years now and most people would say five years of foreplay is enough, it's not for me," she said stealing a glance at Josh.  She was sure he'd be cracking a smile by now.  But there he sat with a look on his face that she couldn't quite figure out.  Was it pain, annoyance, fear or frustration?  Sensing Josh wasn't about to talk any time soon she dove right back in, "I want a relationship with you, I want there to be an "us."  I've wanted that for a long time.  But I'm not ready to hop into bed because all of the sudden we decided that the time is right.  I want our first time to be something special.  I don't want you thinking years from now that the first time we slept together was out of pity."  As soon as the words flew out of her mouth she regretted them.  It had come out completely wrong, she knew what she meant but she was sure it had come out wrong.  Judging by the crestfallen look on Josh's face she knew he didn't understand.  And she wasn't sure how to make it right.  "Josh," she said quietly as she got up off the couch and walked to the recliner.  She knelt down next to him where he was sitting with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.  He flinched when she touched his knee.  "Honey, that came out wrong.  What I meant was, I want our first time to be when you're feeling yourself, physically and emotionally.  I don't want anything getting in the way of you being happy, of us being happy.  Does that make sense?" 

"Yeah." he grudgingly admitted. 

"And can you honestly say that you feel like yourself now?  Not physically, I know you have a cold, but emotionally.  I don't want to do something that you're not ready for.  You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost." said Donna as she tentatively reached out to rub his back. 

"I feel better than I did a few weeks ago.  But no, I don't feel like myself yet," he admitted with a sigh.  "I guess the Paxil's helping, I don't know." 

"Give it at least a month before you make any decisions." 

"I will," agreed Josh as he stifled a yawn. 

"OK, time for bed.  You've got a busy day tomorrow." 

"What time's my flight?" 

"Two." 

"OK, I have a few things to do in the morning." 

"Please tell me one of those things would be getting a haircut," teased Donna as she ran her fingers through his still damp and very wild hair.  "Nice spiked cut, you know, for the beach." 

"Cute, I don't think so," he said, yawning again. 

"OK, that's it, bedtime." announced Donna as she stood up and pulled Josh to his feet. 

"Donna are you... can you...do you want to..." stuttered Josh shyly. 

Josh just looked so flustered that Donna put him out of his misery. "Yes, I'd like to stay." 

"Good." he grinned. 

They snuggled up in bed a little while later, listening to the snow gently beat against the window.  Josh was quiet but for the first time in days he wasn't completely fidgety.  Donna had convinced him to take a pill to give him a good night's sleep.  He was curled up with Donna, his back to her chest, safe in her embrace.  He watched the snow fall before he fell asleep, dreaming of the future. 


	16. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 16

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

Josh and Donna sat in the airport terminal waiting for his flight to be called.  The snow had fallen through the night and all flights in and out were delayed.  They had arrived early for his flight and as a result had already been waiting well over an hour.  They were sipping hazelnut coffee and sharing a cinnamon bun as they waited. 

At first Josh had tried to convince Donna to just drop him at the terminal, he wasn't in the mood for an emotional goodbye.  There really wasn't any need for it; he'd be back on Tuesday.  But Donna had insisted on coming in with him and he had to admit it was nice to have someone to keep him company while he waited. 

Josh kept coming up with more and more things he needed Donna to do while he was gone, things he needed her to research, numbers he wanted her to email him, appointments he wanted her to set up for after the holidays.  She finally threw up her hands in mock annoyance. 

"Josh, please, you're only going to be gone for 5 days.  And two of those days are the weekend.  I was planning on actually taking those days off," she pointed out.  That earned her a snort from Josh. 

"How about one day off?" 

"Deal." he grinned as he ran his fingers through his hair.  He'd gotten a haircut that morning, not the spiked cut Donna had teased him about but a little shorter than usual. 

Donna put away her notepad and moved a little closer to Josh.  She rested her head on his shoulder as they looked out at the plows moving across the tarmac.  Other than when he was listing the things he needed Donna to do he had been quiet in the airport.  They watched as Josh's plane pulled up to the gate.  Donna kissed his cheek and handed him his backpack.  Josh hoisted it over his shoulder and tossed his empty coffee cup in the trash. 

"Come with me," Josh asked one last time, only half teasing. 

Donna bit her lip and shook her head.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly.  "I'll see you Tuesday.  Have fun," she whispered. 

"I'll try," he said as he patted her back and kissed her one last time. 

Josh reluctantly let her go and headed down the jet-way.  

"Love you," whispered Donna as she watched him turn the corner. 

Josh settled into his seat and looked out the window at the snow as the plane pulled away from the gate.  The flight was long but he slept through most of it, thanks to the decongestant he'd taken that had a tendency to make him a little drowsy.  He rented a car and headed straight for the hotel, still tired even after sleeping on the plane.  He sent a quick email to Donna to tell her he arrived safely and then collapsed in bed. 

Bright and early Josh arrived at the Seaborn for Congress headquarters.  The buzz of Sam's campaign lifted Josh's spirits, much to his surprise.  Josh jumped right in and pitched in.  He helped Sam with a few remarks for a dinner that night, analyzed some polling data and even spent a little time manning the phones.  Something Sam managed to capture on his digital camera much to Josh's dismay. 

They had a nice lunch with Sam's mom and Josh went back to the hotel to rest for a while before the dinner.  He called Donna and chatted with her for a while.  Despite being tired he sounded pretty cheerful, which made Donna feel a little less guilty about not going with him. 

The fundraising dinner was nice.  It was the first real chance Josh had to observe Sam interacting with donors and supporters.  He was surprised at Sam; he really seemed to be in his element.  The remarks had gone over well, even when he veered away from the thinking of the Bartlet administration.  Sam was running his own campaign, his own way.  And Josh couldn't be prouder of his best friend. 

Back in DC Donna had been working diligently all day, locked away in Josh's office.  CJ dragged her out the door at 9:00 for a late dinner.  When Donna got back to her place that night she checked her email quickly.  A big smile came to her face when she opened the message from Sam and found the picture he'd taken of Josh.  Sam had captured him sitting at a table surrounded by a group of young, tan, female volunteers who were half his age and obviously enthralled with him. He had the phone in one hand and the other hand wrapped around a bottle of Snapple.  He was rolling his eyes at the person on the other end of the phone.  Donna saved the picture as her wallpaper and turned off the computer.  Wrapped up in Josh's oversized Harvard sweatshirt she fell asleep a little before midnight. 

Saturday found Josh sleeping later than he had in years.  When he finally woke up a little after 9:00 he grabbed the newspaper from outside his door, made some coffee and climbed back in bed. He had no pressing plans for the day other than a late lunch with Sam and the fundraising dinner that night.  He read the paper and flicked through the channels, completely enjoying the feeling of having nothing to do.  

As Josh slipped on his sneakers a little after 11:00 he looked out the window of his room.  Donna had insisted on booking him a hotel on the beach.  He thought it was a nice gesture but totally unnecessary however as he looked out at the Pacific Ocean he suddenly had the desire to walk out to the beach.  He ran his hands through his hair, not bothering with a comb.  Sunglasses in hand and his beloved Mets hat on his head he left the room for a little sun and fresh air. 

He had no idea how long he'd been walking when his cell phone rang.  

"Hello," he said as he turned around and tried to pick out his hotel among the many that dotted the landscape. 

"Hey Josh its Sam.  Look, I'm running a little ahead of time." 

"Wow," said Josh as he stopped to glance out over the ocean. 

"Yeah, not sure how it happened.  I'll be done in about half an hour.  You want to meet earlier for lunch?" 

"Sure," said Josh as he turned to glance back at the hotel. 

"Josh, where are you?" 

"Uh...the beach.  Probably about a mile north of my hotel." he admitted with a laugh. 

"You want me to pick you up?" asked Sam, after he stopped laughing. 

"No, I am perfectly able to walk back.  I'll meet you in the lobby." said Josh as he snapped the phone off before Sam hand a chance to make fun of him. 

Half an hour later Josh and Sam settled down for lunch at the terrace cafe of Josh's hotel. Sam was glad to see the smile and relaxed look on his friends face.  From talking to Donna and Leo over the previous month he'd been prepared for the worst when he saw Josh.  But he looked pretty well considering all that had been going on.  

"What?" asked Josh as he looked up from his burger and beer to find Sam smiling at him. 

"You look good; I mean considering." 

"I feel good, almost like myself." 

"So what's the secret?  I can't believe your good mood completely is due to a little therapy and some Paxil," teased Sam. 

Josh squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, much to Sam's amusement.  

"Spill it.  Did you finally see what was right in front of you?" 

Josh dropped his fork and turned a lovely shade of red.  Sam laughed and watched as his friend struggled to speak. 

"How about you just nod if you finally woke up and smelled the coffee?" 

Josh smiled broadly and nodded his head. 

"It's about time.  So what caused this great revelation?" 

Over the rest of lunch Josh told Sam the whole story, from his breaking down, to Donna's helping him, to their talk after going out to dinner.  He shared his feelings, his hopes and his fears.  Something he rarely did with anyone other than his Mom or Donna. 

"How come Donna didn't fly out with you?" asked Sam over coffee. 

Josh explained the reasons behind her decision.  And he found himself understanding them more with Sam's comments and insights.  He still missed her more than he thought he ever would but it was only for a few more days. 

After lunch they went back to Sam's office.  Josh pitched in where he could and had a great time doing it.  In two short days he'd managed to gain the attention of nearly every young female volunteer much to Sam's amusement. 

  
While Josh was enjoying California Donna was back in snowy DC plodding through the day.  She worked hard and got a lot of things done but her heart wasn't in what she was doing.  She tried to act as if a few days away from Josh were something she had been looking forward to.  But she was failing miserably.  By late Saturday afternoon she was cranky, tired and ready to leave when the phone rang. 

Charlie was calling to inform her the President and Leo would like to see her in the Oval Office.  Donna's hand was shaking as she hung up the phone.  She thought for sure something had happened to Josh.  She was visibly upset by the time she got to Charlie's desk.  He knew what was about to happen and tried to calm her down by telling her there was nothing to be worried about.  CJ opened the door and left the Oval. 

"They're ready for you," she said with a wink in Charlie's direction. 

Donna took a deep breath and entered the hallowed room.  The President was behind his desk and Leo was sitting on one of the striped couches.  

"Good evening sir, Leo," she said as she kind of hung by the door. 

"Donnatella," said Jed, her name rolling off his tongue, "How are you?" 

"I'm fine, sir." 

Leo stood and motioned for her to sit, "Donna, why don't you take a seat." 

Donna gasped slightly and paled a little as she took a seat. 

"Donna, relax.  Nothing is wrong," said Jed with a smile.  "Josh is fine, if that's what you're worried about," he added with a grin in Leo's direction. 

"It was," she admitted with a shy smile. 

"Donna, we think you need a vacation," said Jed. 

"Excuse me sir, a vacation?" 

"Margaret checked with personnel and found out you aren't scheduled for any vacation over the holiday.  Is that right?" 

"No.  I was supposed to go but I..." 

"Cancelled because you were worried about Josh?" said Jed, completing her thought. 

"Yes," she said with her eyes lowered, surprising herself that she freely admitted that was the reason in front of the President and Leo.  When she finally looked up she found Leo and Jed with big grins on their faces.  Suddenly feeling very self conscious she sat up a little straighter and held her head a little high.  

"That wasn't necessary.  Josh is a big boy, it's time he learned to take care of himself." said Leo. 

Donna opened her mouth to protest, albeit in a nice quiet manner given the room she was in. 

"OK Donna, this conversation's over.  It's time for you to get out," Jed said simply.  Cutting her off with the straightest face he could manage. 

"Sir?" she whispered, unsure of what was going on. 

Leo stood and took something out of the inside pocket of his suit jacket.  "Here, this should explain everything," he said as she held out a long thin envelope. 

Donna took it and opened it as Leo had gestured for her to do.  Inside was a plane ticket for the following morning, Dulles to John Wayne Airport, otherwise known as Orange County Airport.  She was speechless and trying desperately not to cry. 

"Go, have fun.  You deserve a vacation and it's pretty clear to us that you'd enjoy that vacation more if you were with Josh.  You're good for him and for some unknown reason he seems to be good for you.  We've known that for years and apparently you and Josh have just figured that out.  Right?" 

Donna blushed furiously and nodded her head.  

"Go and have fun.  You have our blessing." Jed said as he handed her a tissue from the box in his drawer. 

"I don't know what to say," she said after she wiped her eyes. 

"You don't have to say anything.  Just be happy and bring Josh back happy.  By the way, he doesn't know you're coming.  Sam does but he's been sworn to secrecy." 

Jed stood up and walked around the front of the desk. 

"Thank you, both," said Donna as she stood and clutched the envelope to her chest. 

"You're very welcome," said Leo as he kissed her cheek and gave her a big hug.  "Take care of him," he whispered. 

"I will," whispered Donna as she kissed his cheek.  She stood up and faced Jed, unsure of what to do.  She really wanted to throw her arms around him and give him a big hug but didn't know how appropriate that would be.  Jed picked up on her uneasiness and motioned for her to lean down a little.  He put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her lightly on the forehead.  "Have fun and Merry Christmas." 

"Merry Christmas to you too, sir.  And you too Leo," she said as she quietly left the room.  
She barely made it to Josh's office before dissolving into tears. She gathered up her things and headed home to pack for her trip. 

Early the next morning she headed for the airport, feeling more excited than she had in years. 


	17. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 17

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

As the plane touched down Donna suddenly found herself very nervous.  She stepped into the airport and was greeted by the large statue of John Wayne.  Taking her cell phone from her bag she called Sam to find out where Josh was at the moment. 

"Sam Seaborn," he said distractedly as he shuffled some papers around on his desk. 

"Hi Sam, it's Donna." 

"Hey.  You just get in?" 

"I did.  Josh isn't sitting there with you is he?" 

"No, in fact he just went back to the hotel.  Said he had a headache." 

"Is he ok?" asked Donna her voice laced with worry.  She walked as she talked, looking for the hotel shuttle. 

"I think he's fine," said Sam trying to keep her from freaking. "It's been nuts here so far this morning.  The place is crowded, loud and full of Christmas music.  I think he just got a little overwhelmed.  And he misses you." 

"OK, I just found the hotel shuttle.  I'll call you later.  If Josh happens to call in the next few minutes think of some way to keep him at the hotel." 

"OK," chuckled Sam.  "I'll see you later.  Take care of him." 

"I will.  Bye." 

Twenty minutes later Donna stood nervously outside Josh's hotel room door.  She'd pressed her ear to the door and could hear the television on.  She took a deep breath and knocked. 

Josh groaned a little and rolled over on the bed.  He'd just started to doze off and he cursed the fact he he'd forgotten to put up the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign.  He padded to the door in his bare feet.  He looked through the peek-hole, blinked a few times, rubbed his eyes and finally opened the door, not quite believing who he saw. 

"Sam said you had a headache so I brought some Advil," she teased as she held up the small bottle of Advil she kept with her at all times. 

"Donna," he whispered as he threw his arms around her.  He pulled her into the room and closed the door behind her.  "What are you going here?" he asked as he took her bag and led her into the room. 

"I was kicked out of the West Wing by Leo and the President." she teased. 

"Sent you to check up on me?" he asked, only half joking. 

"They sent me to be with you.  They thought I needed a vacation too.  Josh, they gave their blessing." she said as she reached for his hand and pulled him down on the couch next to her. 

"Really?" he asked as he curled up next to her. "So you came clear across the country to have your way with me?" he teased. 

Donna kissed his cheek, "I came out here to see you and to have some fun. I didn't come out here to do something just because we have the blessing of the President of the United States." 

"Good, because as much as I hate to admit it, at the moment I'm not exactly in any shape to do much," he admitted as he rested his head on the back of the plaid couch and closed his eyes. 

Donna took the opportunity to get a good look at him.  He didn't look too bad, a little tired but he was probably jet lagged.  "Something more than a headache?" she asked as she felt his forehead.  He was cool. 

"No, it was just a little crazy at Sam's office this morning.  I got a little overwhelmed." 

"Yeah, Sam said it was crowded and loud.  And maybe a little too much Christmas music." 

"Yeah," muttered Josh.  "So I came back here for a while. I was almost asleep when you knocked." 

"Well, why don't you take a rest and we'll go out later." offered Donna. 

"To the beach?" he asked with a wry smile as he stood up and walked over to the bed. 

"Of course," smirked Donna as she pulled back the comforter and motioned for him to climb in.  He hesitated for a second, dropped his jeans and crawled into bed in his boxers and t-shirt.  He held up the other edge of the quilt, a silent invitation for Donna to crawl in and join him.  She slipped off her jeans, got in bed and wrapped her arms around him. 

"Better?" asked Donna as she brushed back his hair and kissed his forehead. 

"Much.  So they really told you to come out here with me?" 

"Josh, they handed me a plane ticket." 

"They bought you a ticket?" 

"Yes, now would you please be quiet and close your eyes.  You look really tired." 

Josh started to protest but the huge yawn he let out kind of ruined his argument about not being that tired.  He was asleep within seconds of closing his eyes.  Donna rested for a while but she'd sleep on the plane and wasn't really tired.  She got up and started to unpack a few of her things.  As she opened the drawer to the dresser to stick in her pajamas she realized that she never asked Josh if she could stay with him.  The packet from the President and Leo contained plane tickets not a hotel reservation.  She didn't want to seem pushy; but it wasn't like they'd never shared a hotel room before.  Josh was forever crashing in her room when they traveled.  He'd go to bed in his room and just when he was about to fall asleep he'd get some brilliant idea that he needed to share, or some joke he needed to tell or sometimes he'd just want some company.  So he'd be knocking on Donna's door.  She'd answer the door in her pastel pajamas, hair messed up, with a weary smile on her face and let him in without asking for an explanation. 

So taking into consideration her bank balance she threw caution to the wind and put her clothes in the drawers.  Grabbing her bikini and her shorts she went to the bathroom to change.  When Josh awoke 2 hours later Donna was sitting on the balcony getting a head start on her tan.  

Josh squinted a little against the sun as he glanced outside, what he saw took his breath away.  There was Donna on a lounge chair in her bikini.  He watched for a few minutes unable to move or speak. 

"Joshua are you going to just stand there gawking at me?" 

"Gawk?  I wasn't gawking, I was...admiring," said Josh trying to compose himself. 

"Well, put on your bathing suit and you can admire me on the beach," she said as she threw her long legs over the side of the chair and stood up. 

Josh didn't need to be told twice.  He changed, found the sunscreen in the bathroom and put on his sunglasses.  Hand in hand they walked across the street to the beach.  Donna staked out a quiet spot away from the crowds.  They relaxed for a while just chatting and eating the sandwiches they picked up at the cafe.  After eating they took a nice long walk along the water's edge.  Donna collected shells while Josh worried if he was starting to burn as Donna had convinced him to take off his shirt.  That was something he was still very hesitant about due to the scar from the shooting.  But he figured that since he was 40 years old with a receding hair line and a body that hadn't seen the sun in a long time people probably wouldn't be looking at him anyway.  

After their walk Donna dragged him into the water for a while.  He had to admit it was a pretty refreshing way to end their afternoon on the beach.  

When they got back to the room there was a message from Sam.  He had to cancel their dinner due to a last minute strategy session.  Truth was, neither Josh nor Donna was particularly upset about that.  They showered and went out to a nice dinner at a nearby restaurant.  It was their first real, "let's get dressed up and go out" date.  And as far as first real dates went it was very good. 

After dessert they walked along the beach for a while under the moonlight.  Donna stopped suddenly to look out over the water.  Josh came behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder.  He inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of Donna's perfume, her shampoo and the smell of the salt air.  It had a very intoxicating effect on him and he sighed deeply. 

"You ok?' asked Donna as she put her hands over his and pulled him closer. 

"Very ok," he whispered.  He loosened his grip on her a little so he could turn her around and kiss her. 

Two minutes later Donna pulled away long enough to whisper in his ear.  "Let's go back to the room." 

Josh swallowed hard and looked closely at her, trying to decide if she was suggesting what he thought she was suggesting.  One look at her and even in the moonlight he could see her face held only desire and not a trace of uncertainty.  "OK," he whispered, having trouble even getting that one syllable out. 

They made their way through the hotel lobby as quickly as they could without looking like they were headed to do what they were headed to do.  The elevator was thankfully empty and Donna had Josh backed into the corner the instant the door closed.  She had his polo shirt untucked somewhere before the third floor and her hands roaming up and down his back by the fifth.  When the elevator stopped on the ninth floor he pulled the shirt down as far as it would go to hide the growing evidence of his own desire. 

Knowing he'd never get the keycard to work he turned it over to Donna as they walked quickly down the hall to their room.  She took it in her own trembling hand and somehow managed to get the door opened on the first try.  Before the door clicked behind them she'd pushed Josh's sportscoat off his shoulders and toed out of her shoes. 

A little voice in the back of Josh's mind told him maybe he should slow things down a little.  But as he watched Donna reach behind her back and slowly unzip her skimpy sundress that thought just disappeared.  His mouth went dry and he could hear his heart pounding in his ears as the floral fabric fell away and pooled on the floor.  He swallowed hard and tried to speak but found his voice  very uncooperative.  

Donna kicked the dress aside and stood there before him wearing only a pair of black silk panties.  The few hours of sun they'd gotten earlier in the day left her skin glowing. There were faint tan lines where her her bikini top had been.  Josh took a step closer and kissed her shoulder, his lips cooling the slightly pink skin. The sigh that escaped from her lips was the sweetest sound Josh had ever heard.  As he leaned in to kiss her neck he toed off his own shoes while Donna tugged the hem of his shirt upwards.  Josh broke away long enough for Donna to toss aside his shirt. Donna reached for his belt but he pushed her hands away and backed up enough to sit on the edge of the bed. 

"What?" whispered Donna. 

Josh laughed, "I didn't want to be standing in front of you in boxers and socks.  It's not a good look," he grinned as he reached down to pull his socks off.  He started to stand back up when Donna pushed him back down by the shoulders.  She knelt in front of him and slowly undid his belt and the button and zipper of his khaki pants.  Josh stood long enough to let his pants fall to the floor.  He kicked them to the side, reached for Donna and pulled her on the bed with him. 

Donna landed fully on top of him and quickly rolled off slightly, leaving one long leg in between his legs.  Josh reached up to caress her cheek.  Her blond hair fell around her shoulders and when she leaned in to kiss him deeply the silky strands tickled his neck.  After a few minutes Donna pulled back and slid off of him completely.  She ran her hands down his sides to the waistband of his boxers.  Pulling them down a little she scooted her self down on the bed and leaned over to inspect his hip. 

"Uh, Donna, what are you doing?" he asked as he lifted his head a little. 

"Checking for tan lines," she replied as she nipped gently at the skin right above his hip. 

"Find any?" hissed Josh as his hands came to rest on the top of her head. 

"Not too many, we'll have to spend more time on the beach," she said as she slowly removed his boxers.  She was in the middle of admiring him from head to toe when he sat up and gently pushed her onto her back.  He kissed his way down her body, starting at her neck, moving to between her breasts to her belly button.  He too did a check for tan lines before removing her panties.  They weren't real noticeable but he was pretty sure after a few more days on the beach they would be. 

As they pulled the comforter back and slipped between the crisp sheets Josh looked Donna in the eye, "Two things before we go any further," he said as he cupped her chin, "Are you sure and do we need to worry about anything?" 

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life.  And I'm on the pill.  Are you sure?" she asked softly, giving him an "out" if he wanted it. Not that she really thought he did, but she needed to give him that option. 

Josh could only nod as he leaned forward to capture a nipple between his lips.  Donna exhaled sharply as she ran her hand through Josh's hair, holding his head where it was.  She loosened her hold just slightly a minute later to allow him to move onto the other breast.  As her legs came up to wrap around Josh's hips he flipped them over so she was on the top. 

Donna got up on her knees, straddling his hips.  She leaned to kiss him deeply as he ran his hands down her sides and then back up to cup her breasts.  He relished in how perfectly they fit in his hands.  As his thumbs brushed over her nipples she sat back a bit teasing him.  Josh eyes glazed over. "Please," he whimpered as he lifted his head to kiss her neck. 

With one swift motion Donna straightened out her legs and slid down to take Josh inside.  They both moaned at the sensation. As much as they both wanted their first time to last forever they knew they'd spent so many years waiting for this moment that they couldn't hold back.  They had plenty of time to take things slowly. 

With one final thrust Josh came mere seconds before Donna.  His head flopped back and long limbs completely relaxed as Donna rolled off of him.  They snuggled for a few minutes until the breeze from the air conditioner started to chill their overheated skin.  Josh got up long enough to grab a couple bottles of water and pull up the covers.  Donna snuggled into his side, idly tracing the surgical scar with her finger.  Soon the long day and the three hour time difference had Donna yawning. 

"Sleep," whispered Josh as he brushed back her hair. 

"One question first," she muttered. 

"What?" asked Josh as he pulled her closer. 

"I didn't get a room, can I stay here?" she asked with a shy grin. 

Josh chuckled and tangled his legs up with hers, "I think that can be arranged." 

Josh remained awake for a while after Donna drifted off.  He gazed out the window at the moon and the stars.  For the first time in a long time he felt truly back to normal.  He felt like he was right where he belonged. 


	18. Hopes and Fears of All the Years 18

**Hopes and Fears of All the Years**

**by:** Ginny 

**Category:** Challenge   
**Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Characters:** Josh and Donna  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Notes:** So there have been all these great challenges on the board lately.  And as my free time is a little limited this time of year I just decided to toss all the challenges in together.  So here's my answer to the request for snow, angst and Christmas.  And despite my inital protests this is also for Abby who asked for something long.  My original idea was something short, which for me is less than 20 pages.  Let's just say, I'm no where near done and it is well over 20 pages.  Love ya Abby, you were right. 

The title comes from the hymn, O Little Town of Bethlehem. 

* * *

Donna woke up a little after 6, her internal clock still off from the time difference.  Josh was still asleep next to her.  He was curled up on his side facing her.  She pulled the comforter up around him and snuck out of the bed.  She showered, ordered breakfast from room service and glanced at the headlines in the paper.  Josh was just starting to wake up when the food arrived.  They ate out on the balcony, enjoying the view.  Sam called a while later and they made plans to meet for dinner. 

By the end of the day both Josh and Donna had visible tan lines. 

They spent Monday morning at Sam's campaign headquarters.  Donna helped organize the volunteers a little while Josh sat in on some meetings and helped Sam work on a game plan for the remaining weeks leading up to the election.  By early afternoon Donna had the volunteer room running like a well-oiled machine, Sam was out meeting with some local leaders and Josh was taking a turn at the phones. 

Donna walked over to the phone bank to check on Josh and found him surrounded by a rather large group of young admirers.  She stood in the doorway watching him for a minute with a big, proud grin on her face.  He looked relaxed, tan and adorable.  Donna cleared her throat and Josh dropped his feet from where they were propped up on the desk.  He turned a lovely shade of red as Donna walked over to him. 

"Working hard Joshua?" she smirked as she leaned over to kiss his cheek.  

"Always," he said, returning the smirk and the kiss. 

"OK, well, tell your friends you'll be back to play tomorrow," she teased as she took him by the hand and pulled him to his feet. 

"Bye Josh," chorused a group of at least a dozen young ladies as Josh and Donna left the room. 

He looked over his shoulder and flashed the group a big dimpled grin.  "So where are we going?  Taking me back to the hotel to have your way with me?" he asked with his eyebrows raised. 

Donna snorted, "Maybe later.  We're going to grab a late lunch and do some shopping." 

"Shopping?" whined Josh. 

"Yeah and then that thing about me having my way with you." 

"OK," said Josh as his face lit up like a little boy's face on Christmas morning. 

After having her way with Josh late that afternoon Donna sat on the couch in the room while Josh dozed lightly.   She was going over his schedule and trying to decide how much longer they could stay in sunny California.  Josh had a ticket for the following morning and she her return ticket was open ended.  She emailed a few people, farmed out a few things to the other assistants and figured they could stay until Christmas night.  She was able to get the on the red eye, landing at Dulles early on the 26th.  She figured she'd give Josh a sleeping pill before the flight and he'd be good to go for the few informal appointments he had scheduled for the 26th.  Donna always slept on the plane without a problem so she wasn't really worried about herself. 

With her plans firmed up, her stomach growling and Sam due to arrive for dinner in less than an hour she crawled onto the bed to wake Josh so he could get ready to go out.  She kissed his cheek and brushed down his hair.  "Sleepy head, time to get up," she whispered. 

They had a long leisurely dinner with Sam and his Mom at a nearby seafood place.  Sam's father had planned to meet up with them too but he was called into a long meeting at his law firm.  So far during the campaign Sam's parents had been civil to each other, frequently showing up at events together to support their son.  Their effort meant a lot to Sam, something that he'd confessed to Josh during their first lunch together.  

Josh invited Sam back to the hotel for drinks but Sam declined, sensing Josh and Donna would rather be alone.  Since Josh had two beers at dinner Donna drove back to the hotel.  He was rather quiet during the ride back, seeming to be deep in thought as he looked out the window. 

"Josh, you ok?" asked Donna as she pulled the car into the hotel garage. 

"Yeah.  You want to go get a drink in the bar or something?" he asked as he undid his seatbelt. 

"I think you've had your limit," teased Donna.  "How about coffee?" 

"Fine," said Josh, not sounding at all enthusiastic. 

"How about I run up to the room, change into pants, grab some coffee and I'll meet you on that bench," she said as she pointed across the street to the benches that lined sidewalk by the beach. 

Josh nodded as he shoved his hands in his pockets and walked towards the beach.  Donna sighed and turned to go into the hotel.  She quickly changed out of her skirt and pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt.  She grabbed Josh's sweatshirt for him as she left the room.  She got a couple of big cups of coffee from the coffee machine in the lobby and headed out to meet him. 

As she crossed the street Donna noticed Josh wasn't on the bench where he said he would be.  She didn't have any trouble finding him though; he was sitting in the sand down by the water.  He had his knees hugged to his chest and he was staring out over the water.  Donna was glad she had changed into jeans as she sat next to him in the sand. 

"Here," she said as she handed him his sweatshirt.  

"Thanks," he replied as he pulled it on, took the coffee and kissed her cheek. 

They sat in silence for a while, enjoying the view of the ocean and their coffee.  Josh seemed a little more relaxed than he had been after they got back from dinner.  

"Looking forward to getting back to DC?" asked Donna. 

"I don't know.  A little nervous I guess.  I'm looking forward to getting back to work full time.  But I've grown rather fond of this beach here," he said with a grin.  "Well, actually, I've grown kind of fond of you on the beach in your bikini." he said with a big dimpled grin. 

"Well, I could always model the bikini for you at home," offered Donna as she rested her head on his shoulder. 

"Sounds like a plan," he whispered as he turned his head to plant a kiss on her forehead.  "Did I thank you for coming out here with me?" 

"Only about a thousand times," she teased. 

After a little while longer they were ready to head back to the hotel.  The sand, they'd realized after it was too late, was slightly damp, leaving them a bit chilly.  A hot shower warmed them up in no time.  Much to Donna's dismay Josh was still wide awake and restless a little after 12:30.  She got up to get him a pill and a glass of water while he got off the bed to pace a little. 

"Come on, take the pill and I'll rub your back for you," offered Donna as she sat back down on the bed. 

"No pill," said Josh firmly as he abruptly stopped his pacing. 

"OK," said Donna beginning to think maybe Josh had something on his mind he wanted to talk about.  He drank the water she handed him and settled down crossed legged in the center of the bed.  He clicked on CNN out of habit more than the desire to watch anything.  Donna sat down behind him and rubbed his neck and back trying to relax him a little.  He was pretty tense for someone who had just spent a few days relaxing on the beach and had just taken a long hot shower. "Your right side bothering you?" she asked as she realized how tight the muscles in his back and hip felt under her touch. 

"Yeah, just in the last couple of hours, I don't know why," sighed Josh as he leaned into her touch just a bit. 

"Well, at dinner we talked about you going back to work in a few days plus you're tired.  It's no big surprise really. Stress and exhaustion do it to you every time. I know your back and hip bother you more than you let on," she said. 

"Can't get anything by you can I?" he asked in mock annoyance. 

"Nope.  So you might as well stop trying," she teased as she leaned forward and planted a soft kiss between his shoulder blades. 

Josh turned his attention back to the television.  Donna didn't press him to talk even though it was pretty clear he was holding something in. She slowly worked her hands down his back, loosening things up bit by bit.  "Lean forward," she said as she handed him a pillow.  Josh tossed it in his lap and bent forward at the waist, giving her a better angle to try and loosen up his lower back and hips.  She pressed her thumbs along his spine and the tips of her fingers at the top edge of his hips.  Josh flinched as she hit a particularly tight spot.  "Sorry," she whispered as he pushed his boxers down a little to get them out of the way.  She heard Josh say something but his voice was muffled because he had his face pressed into the pillow.  "What?" she asked as she leaned forward. 

Josh turned his head to the side a little but didn't sit up.  "I said, what's going to happen when we get back to DC?" 

"Well, if you sleep on the plane I'll let you go straight to the office," she said, knowing that really wasn't what he was talking about. 

He sat up and looked over his shoulder at her, "Not what I meant," he said flatly. 

"I know," she said with a little smile.  "Come here," she motioned towards him as she scooted back to rest up against the headboard. She pulled Josh back by the shoulders, settling him down against her chest. 

"How are things going to be between us?" he asked as he took her hands in his and rested them over his heart. 

"I think things will be surprisingly normal." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. I'll have to control the urge to throw you onto your desk and have my way with you but other than that things won't be much different," chuckled Donna. 

"What about the press?" 

"Well, I don't think they want to throw you on your desk but we could ask them," she snorted.  "I don't really think the press is going to care about us." 

"Maybe.  But what about me?  Danny's already digging around for a story." 

"Joshua, there is no story.  You were sent to help Sam for a few days." 

"What about the doctor's appointments and the Paxil?" 

"Josh, the press corps has better things to do than keep track of your every move.  But seriously, if they were to find out about the Paxil you sit down with Danny and tell him everything." 

Josh shook his head firmly," No," he said simply. 

"Josh, you were caught up in an assassination attempt, you were shot and nearly died.  You suffer from PTSD and you and your doctor have decided that for now medication is the best way for you to deal with the situation.  You have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of, end of story." 

"Keep saying that, maybe I'll believe it." 

"Josh, just remember, you're not alone.  You have me; you have Leo, your friends.  Let us help you.  Don't bottle stuff up inside.  That's how you get yourself in trouble." 

"I know," he whispered as he turned on his side and wrapped his arms around Donna's waist. 

"Josh, it's really late.  How about a pill and the heating pad?" 

Josh was about to protest but the huge yawn ruined that for him.  "Sure," he agreed as he rolled off of Donna and got up to use the bathroom. While he was in the bathroom Donna pulled in the heating pad for him.  He took the pill and settled down on his stomach with a pillow jammed under his head and the heating pad over his lower back. 

Twenty minutes later he was sound asleep. 

They spent Christmas Eve as they'd spent the previous few days, helping Sam and relaxing on the beach.  Christmas Day they spent lounging around not really wanting to head home to cold, snowy Washington DC.  They took one last trip to the beach that afternoon. While Donna read her magazine Josh took a walk by himself or more accurately paced up and down the beach in front of Donna.  Every once in a while she glanced up from her magazine to check on him.  He looked a little lost but he also looked like he really wanted to be alone with his thoughts.  Donna checked her watch one last time and packed up her things.  Like it or not, it was time to get cleaned up and head for the airport.  She walked down to where Josh was standing and looking out over the water.  She stood behind him and wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder.   "It's time to go, honey." 

"OK," he sighed as he leaned back against her for a second before heading back up the beach. 

As their plane was called Donna handed Josh a sleeping pill which he took without complaint. He washed it down with the last of his coffee.  Throwing his backpack over his shoulder he grabbed Donna's hand and they headed towards the gate. 

Josh had been able to change their tickets to first class at the ticket counter against Donna's feeble protests.  But as they settled in she was glad for the room.  Traveling on Air Force One had certainly spoiled her for commercial air travel.  She took out a book and Josh's schedule for the next few days to go over some things with him before he fell asleep.  By the time the plane leveled off Josh was starting to nod off.  Donna covered him up with a blanket and settled him down with his head on her shoulder.  She brushed back his hair a bit and kissed his forehead.  "I love you," she whispered, relatively sure he was asleep. 

"Love you too," he responded, half asleep. Donna's breath caught in her throat as she waited to see if Josh said anything further.  He picked his head up a little and looked her in the eye. "I love you too," he said firmly with a dimpled grin.  Donna could just nod as she tried not to cry.  "Don't cry, please," he said. 

"OK," she said as one tear escaped down her cheek.  Josh wiped it away and snuggled against her. 

"I know we've just had this big milestone in our relationship and I would really like to talk about it but I'm so tired," he admitted with a weak laugh as he struggled to keep his eyes open. 

"It's ok, just relax and get some sleep," she said with a grin.  Josh curled up like a little kid across the two seats with his head in Donna's lap.  Even after 5 years it still amazed her, the ability he had to curl up anywhere.  She brushed her hand over his eyes and watched as his brown eyes flickered a few times before finally closing.  She turned off the light over his head and rested her head against the window looking at the stars. 

Donna slept for a while, waking up somewhere over the Midwest.  She looked down to find Josh still sound asleep, the blanket pulled up around his ears.  She thought about how far they'd come in 5 years, how far they'd come in the last few weeks and how far they'd come in the last few days.  She knew things wouldn't be easy no matter how hard she tried to convince Josh otherwise.  She didn't have a magic ball in which to gaze.  All she had was a love unlike any she'd ever known for the man curled up in her lap.  And that would have to be enough. 

THE END


End file.
